This morning when you called and asked to meet me in the park, I had no idea what to expect; but seeing you with that crushed expression on your face practically sealed her fate. I knew nobody else who could bring you down so much and it angered me to no end that despite everything that you have been through, you still choose to believe their lies. Your father and that witch are hardly worth looking at, forget even letting them speak. They are scum and need to be treated as such. So when my evil ninja mind started plotting ways to get back at them, I rubbed my hands together and gave you a creepy smile- one that spelt trouble.
After uh, shopping for 'necessities', our first stop was the witch’s bedroom. She was still asleep, considering it was just nine a.m. in the morning, which made it all the more convenient for us to pull off part one of plan: Put the Husband Stealer Back in Her Place (I know it’s lame, but we were a little short on time, so we’ll stick to ‘PTHSBIHP’ for now). We walked to her bed and you handed me the bottle of hot sauce, looking more excited than a kid at a candy store. Her lips we poking out it an ugly pout, which made it easier for me to pour some of the sauce on them. It took a few seconds, but her tongue peeked out to taste it, and then suddenly, she jerks up (probably trying to relieve the ache) only to bang her forehead onto the coffee-stool we’d managed to place above her! Gosh, her face at that moment was priceless and you were laughing so hard tears were streaming down your face and no noise left your lips. Can’t say I was any better though, but now we had to move on to Phase two of PTHSBIHP.
This part of the plan wouldn’t have worked if her spiny flailing arms hadn’t given her a hard time shoving the stool off. Being a deep sleeper, she hadn't heard us this bit up and her clumsiness gave us just enough time to add the finishing touches before she noticed. The minute she got off the bed, she ran toward the door (how predictable) and right into out trap! The doorway had been taped completely, and with her momentum, she had managed to wrap herself in some kind of tape-cocoon, still flailing and making weird sounds like ‘wat ith thith? Elp me’! It was hilarious! Especially when you took a marker and drew a banana shaped something on her face…Ha! Of course, we weren’t cruel enough to just leave the poor, defenceless woman rolling around in pain, so we placed a pair of scissors and glass of water close enough for her to reach. But she didn’t know that…
Still chuckling, we took some pictures (apart from the video you shot of the entire thing) and made our way outside to think of ways to trap your father…and obviously, a better plan name.
Tomorrow, sperm donor is in for some serious pain because when you bring war to us, well, you've just signed away your peace of mind...and safety.