When my mother told me where your house was, I can say that I definitely wasn’t expecting a butler, a chauffeur or a three storied mansion! Honestly, when that person who looked strangely like Cadbury (from Richie Rich, and I can’t understand why he wasn’t Indian) threatened to call the madam on me, I nearly bolted! Can’t believe I assumed you would be normal. I mean sure, you had to be well off to go to a private school, but having a garage larger than my entire house? I had only entered such places in the world of movies!
The loud clearing of your butler’s throat (do all of them do that?) brought me out of my revere and by the look on his face, he wasn’t pleased. He asked me again rather rudely mind you what business I had with this family. I obviously couldn’t announce my presence to you because you would probably throw me out yourself and Mr. James Bond impersonator clearly wasn’t going to let me in without an explanation, so I stammered out some response about entering the wrong house and walked out. It may have seemed cowardly to turn away from a pansy in a suit, but you did not see that smirk on his face. Argh!
But all was not lost, because as I was leaving your grand driveway, I noticed this small garden path that coincidentally led to the back of the house. Letting my own smirk show, I ducked under the windows and snuck past the bushes (plants have eyes) and reached directly under what I assumed would be your window. It was in a corner of the house and was basically invisible from anywhere else, unless of course you were looking for a widow specifically. Loud music could be heard and I could see a figure dancing strangely through a gap in the curtains. I thought it looked too short to be you, but I dismissed it as something to do with how high up it was- the third floor. Of all the rooms in this mansion that you could have had, you picked the one on the third floor? Of course, you probably never expected me to climb in through your window and now that I think about it, the top floor does suit your personality….I think.
Anyway, now that I had my target in sight, I needed an approach pattern. Consulting my inner ninja, I decided that climbing the tree that leads straight to your window (I’m really starting to see a pattern here) was safer and likely to be more successful than scaling the walls. Rubbing my hands together like I had seen Timon do before climbing the tree, I proceeded to pull myself up by holding on to the lowest branch which was once again, right in front of me just waiting to grabbed (I didn’t mean anything else….it’s a plant for god’s sake!). I have a feeling you have to sneak out a lot if you need a tree right outside your window with conveniently placed branches and the perfectly secluded location. Really smart move picking that one… Why didn’t I see it before?
Once I’d gotten over the fact that I was actually going to climb into your room, it became fairly easy to go the rest of the way up because I no longer had a voice in my head yelling ‘Perv!’
So when I finally made it to your window, I fervently prayed you were wearing clothes and then jumped in, announcing my arrival by my less than graceful landing on the floor. I saw a pair of feet in front of me, and then like it happens in cartoons I only realized it wasn’t male when I reached the face of a dark haired bombshell that didn’t belong in your bedroom. It only then occurred to me to look around and lo and behold, it looked like I wasn’t in your bedroom at all! Silently curing myself, I picked myself off the ground and noticed that the strange ringing in my ears wasn’t caused by the fall. No, the silicon model was wailing like a banshee and right then, She even looked like one! I swear!
I tried to apologize, but she still hadn’t shut her mouth and it was really getting on my nerves. I was so close to just whacking her on the head to keep her quiet when the ever faithful Archibald (I named your butler that in my head) came in brandishing a poker. Why do you have a poker in your house?
Anyway, moving on, the butler’s concerned face flipped to anger so quickly upon noticing me that you’d think there was a switch or something! He covered the distance in two really really long strides and grabbed me by the hood of my jacket and hauled me into the air! I was only beginning to lecture him on the disadvantages of being sued for manhandling when the bottle of botox suddenly stopped screeching and there was silence once again. The look on the butler’s face; gosh, a little more anger and steam would’ve come out of his ears! His mouth had just opened, when I heard your voice asking him to put his ‘stupid little meddling friend’ down and let me go. Stupid? Really? If I wasn’t here to apologize, I would’ve hit you. So I just settled for giving you my dirtiest glare and stomping my feet as we walked out. I could have sworn I saw your mouth twitch, but I was probably just imagining things.
As soon as we reached the main hallway, you pushed me in front of you and told me to leave. So naturally, I didn’t. I just walked forward, fluffed the pillow on your couch and sat down. You gave me an exasperated look but followed suit. It was awkward for a few minutes because you just stared blankly at my face while I frantically thought of topics to talk about, simply forgetting why I had come here in the first place. When the silence became unbearable, which I assume is what you were hoping for, I blurt out the one question that had been running in my mind ever since I landed in his house: Who was that woman?
The look on your face when I said that is something I’ll never forget; it was beyond angry-it was furious, but there was also a hurt so profound in your eyes it made me want to cry. You didn’t tell me who she was. In fact, you didn’t say anything even remotely close to that topic after that, but I didn’t mind because you still spoke to me regularly as if the fight had never happened.
You have no idea how happy that makes me feel. And despite the fact that you have apparently already forgiven me, I’m still going to apologize. And also find out who that woman was and why even mentioning her got such a reaction out of you.