What do I say?
I miss you, again. It's kinda crazy sitting here thinking about all the things we used to do, things you'll never do again. I feel awful, my mind is still struggling to accept it I suppose.
I wrote you a song today, I wish you could hear it. You always used to laugh at my shyness when it came to my music. You were the one that encouraged me to be proud of my abilities and to 'Shine like the star you are'. There's another one of your rhymes that made me smile. I remember sitting listening to Train with you, singing along.
You were 23 when the accident happened, it was your birthday the week after and I spent it sitting in the hospital holding your hand, wishing you would open your eyes and tell me it was all just a big joke. You looked like you were sleeping. I kept thinking that I'd seen you move but I was only imagining things. I put my head down on the edge of that hospital bed Charlie and I wept. You should have been out with us, out having a blast, celebrating another year gone by. But instead there you were, hooked up to machines with tubes and wires coming out of you at all angles. It wasn't fair.
I fastened the friendship bracelet I had gotten you around your wrist and kissed you on the forehead. "Happy Birthday Charlie." I whispered. I didn't want to leave you on your own, that hospital room was lonely and so I sat and held your hand until the nurses told me I should go home and sleep. I must have looked terrible but I didn't care. I wanted to stay with you. I wanted to be there when you woke up. To see your brown eyes open and look at me again, the smile that I loved creep up across your face.
But it wasn't the case. You didn't wake up at all. I wished on every single star and they all failed me.
Your Mom called me a few days after your birthday and told me she had your bike, but she didn't know what to do with it because it wasn't in great shape. She said she never wanted to see it again and could I please take it away.
I told her I'd come and take a look at it and see if it could be saved. It was the worst decision of my life.
That bike was mangled beyond recognition Charlie. What must your body have gone through if the bike was in such a state. You had no protection at all. None.
It wasn't fixable in any shape or form and I sat down against it and began to cry as I scraped pieces of your helmet out of the metal. I think I may have passed out from crying at some stage because suddenly I woke in James's arms as he carried me inside and put me down on the couch. I drifted off again after that and woke up to see him asleep in the chair opposite, a picture frame in his hand and his face stained with tears. I crept over and took the photo from him to look at it. I almost broke down again Charlie I swear...
It was a picture of you and James from about a year beforehand, both of you sitting in the garden, smiling at the camera. Then on the other side of it there was a picture of the two of you as children, you were helping James to climb a tree, his big brother... God I feel like crying even now as I write this. The tears are coming back again and I can't stop them.
I'm listening to BoB and Hayley Williams at the moment Charlie, and I could really use a wish right now. If I had one wish it would be to see you again because I still can't let you go.
I miss you.