I spent about an hour today sitting in the garden playing guitar just like we used to do every summer. It feels strange not having you beside me throwing in the random 'sha la la' and 'bum ba dum dum' like you used to.
I think I'm a little calmer today writing this, they say the first step is always the hardest. I hope that it will get easier. I spent some time today on the phone to Ciara. She blames herself you know, she was the one who phoned me that fateful day two months ago.
I remember her panicked voice down the phone and the way my stomach dropped and my legs gave way as she stammered down the phone.
'Alli...Alli it's Charlie...'
That was all she needed to say, and I knew. She was in hysterics, as far as she was concerned it was all her fault because you were coming to visit her, because she had phoned to ask you to come over. But it wasn't her fault at all Charlie, you and I both know that, and I hope in time that Ciara will realise that it was just your time to go.
I think I've come to terms with it now. There are days when I refuse to believe it, I push it to the back of my mind while choking back the sobs that threaten to escape.
The tears always come though Charlie. They always come, and when they do, I imagine you putting your arm around my shoulders like you used to and saying 'Chin up Chickatee. Alli won't you smile for me?'
You always used to put silly rhymes together to make me laugh when I was sad. Or you'd quote one of my favourite films, like 'Hot Shots' or 'Team America'.
I think the most used one was probably 'Matt Damoooonnn!' You had it spot on!
I walked through the doors of the hospital and sat down beside your distraught parents. I remember, it was a Tuesday, I had walked out of school and gotten a taxi to the hospital. My teachers hadn't even said a word to me. I just told them I was leaving and the look in my eyes told them not to ask any questions.
A 19 year old motorist had pulled a U-turn in the middle of the road and you were unable to avoid a collision with him. That's all I was told at first. That's all any of us knew at first.
You were only 24, you had your whole life ahead of you Charlie. Does that make you angry? I know I would be angry if it was me. I'd be angry at the world, at God, at whoever there was for me to be angry with.
Your parents treated me like a second daughter, I was the little sister of the family. Even your 20 year old brother James called me 'little sis'. I remember sitting in the little cold waiting room, my hands shaking as tears ran down my face in little streams, until James finally pulled me into his arms and we cried on each other's shoulders.
When the doctor came out and shook his head I almost had a complete breakdown. "It doesn't look good." he said sadly. "He's unable to breathe on his own and there is too much swelling on the brain at the moment to tell what the damage is like."
Those words cut into my skin like a knife and they will remain there for the rest of my life. I can't write anymore now, it's reliving it and it hurts.
I love you Charlie. You were one of the big brother figures in my life, possibly one of the most prominent, and I will never forget you.
I'm still not ready to let you go yet.
I miss you.