A letter from a very enthusiastic fan to the director of the movie The Human Centipede. It's a chapter from my book available for a laughably low price over at - http://picnicforperverts.com/
A Letter To The Director Of The Movie - The Human Centipede
Dear Mr Six,
I have just returned from my local cineplex where I saw your movie The Human Centipede. I felt compelled to write you a letter expressing my admiration for your wonderfully enlightening film.
I must confess at first, I and my fellow cinema goers seems somewhat shocked and horrified by the scenes of senseless graphic violence and ritualized torture, that you were endeavouring to pass off as "entertainment". I was wondering why someone would want to bring something so depraved and well, so completely nasty and unnecessary, into a world that is not exactly one giant picnic anyway. A picnic for perverts at best. In fact and I'm a little embarrassed to admit this to you now, but the first time the horrific human centipede was revealed, I actually vomited into my cheese popcorn (a new flavour at my cineplex and one I'd feel comfortable recommending to you!). Whilst vomiting I focused my anger and sense of moral outrage on picturing you and your entire family being badly injured in a hot air ballooning accident. Not fatal of course, I would never wish so callously. Instead I hoped you be rescued by a kind rural Doctor, who nursed you to recovery before sewing all your mouths and assholes together to create one giant Six family human centipede! Your demise would not be in vain though, since the Doctor would record your slow and painful deaths and then upload it to Youtube where it could continue to entertain the masses as the sequel to your artistic "masterpiece".
Yes, at first I thought these things. But then I stopped vomiting and reflected. No-one could be stupid enough to think that the world needs this movie, should its function be nothing more than shocking and grossing people out in the name of entertainment. I thought long and hard about this. No-one could be that stupid. I just could not accept it. I truly hit a brick wall in trying to accept that fact. So then, there must be something more to it, I said to myself. Think Jimmy, think of the deeper meaning. Then, well, it was nothing short of a revelation! I got it. I got what you were trying to say. All of the sophisticatedly layered metaphors, gritty social allegory, the dark fables, the conflicts and juxtapositions at the core of the human condition - all of this was revealed to me within the movies plot! A revelation!
For example the evil scientist being German. At first when I was wallowing in my own ignorance and disgust, I thought that making the villain German showed a spectacular lack of class on your behalf. A country still struggling with a sense of guilt at the shameful actions of its previous generations over which it had no control. A country just starting to learn to like itself, to create for itself a positive international image. I thought that during this painful and difficult process, that when people in Hollywood keep insisting on making 99% of all movie bad guys German - that that is a pretty jackass thing to do by them, and now, by you. If you'll excuse a little vulgarity. I said to myself once again, Jimmy "no-one could be that stupid, that culturally insensitive. Look for the deeper meaning."
So again, I looked for the deeper meaning.
Like a firework exploding in my brain, in a flash I'd got it! Making him German was a poignant reminder to us all that these hurtful stereotypes still exist, that as a society we have a responsibility to confront and systemically destroy them! Not hide from them. Not wait for time to slowly erase them. But to continue to propagate them no matter how crass and hurtful, so that it's easier to find them and then - confront and destroy them! Genius! Oh how I did chuckle to myself once I realised. Bravo Mr Six, bravo!
The second Eureka moment, when I really realized I was watching something very special, came the first time that the Japanese lady at the front of the Human Centipede pooped into the mouth of the American behind. The American just made a whimpering sound like she wanted to die but she couldn't, since she was sewed to the ass of the Japanese person and being sustained by the remaining nourishment in the Japanese persons poop. I said to myself once again - "Jimmy, no-one is stupid enough to just make a movie in which people get sewn together and poop into each others mouths, purely for gross entertainment - look for the deeper meaning!". The answer bloomed in front of my eyes as if it were a beautiful flower - do we not all poop into the mouths of our fellow man....?
When I sneak in and take the parking space of the man waiting patiently before me. When I look at online dating sites while my girlfriend is sleeping. When I buy a bookcase from Ikea that's travelled 30,000kms at a great environmental cost I never consider, since it's the ridiculously low price of €7. When I stand by, complicit through inaction while children die of starvation in Africa or are sold on Ebay.
During these times, are we all not pooping in the mouths of all mankind? Just storing up a huge amount of smelly, sticky brown wrongness and then spraying it out into the mouths of near and distant neighbours?
Of course, the forming a centipede was adding just another acute layer to the similitude. Just as the characters were stuck together in the movie, we are all intrinsically joined in our fate. Watching them wriggling around and trying to work as a team to overcome insurmountable odds, to defeat the German scientist, this was reminiscent of mankind's struggle to master its environment? To work together, to provide for one another on its limited resources? You're really saying that we're the problem. People. The fact that only the Japanese person's mouth was unobstructed, but talking was useless since she didn't speak English and the Americans didn't speak Japanese - that was not plain old bad luck! That was actually a piercing reminder that communication is the key that will set us all society free. You were tipping your hat in the direction of the uprisings in the Middle East, the shutting down by dictators of the communication networks there (telephone and internet) in a desperate attempt to hang on to their power. As was the evil German scientist in placing the Japanese person at the front of the Centipede. A truly poignant and masterfully crafted analogy.
I thank you, society thanks you. Please continue your campaign of mass enlightenment.
Your biggest fan Your most devoted student.