There’s a balloon below my lungs and it is swelling up and it means I can’t breath. I can’t breath I can’t breath and I’m not even sure I want to. My blood is rushing and pushing and throbbing so much I want to grab a fork and scrape it through my skin to release the pressure. My head sings with sounds of the sea, rushing and crashing around my ears, drowning out everything else. It feels like I can’t even see - the effort it takes to push the images that bit further into my brain is too much.
I need to calm down.
Calm down. It’s crazy in here, in my head I mean. I think I’m crazy. Lots of people don’t have what they want and they don’t disappear off into God knows where. Not like me. Or maybe they do and I just haven’t realised. I’m not entirely sure anybody has realised that I’m crazy, or maybe they just hide it really well. I don’t think I am that crazy.
Take a deep breath.
It’s hard though, taking breaths when there’s a lead balloon pressing on your diaphragm. I really thought you were here this time, I honestly did. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I had this fizzing feeling at the base of my spine and a fluttering sensation in the pit of my stomach. All I could think of was sleep but then it occurred to me that it could be you, planting yourself in, wiggling around until you find a comfortable spot. I was wrong again though. In fact it was my womb spinning itself into a fury and shedding its lining.
Looking down at myself I can see that I am rocking, backwards and forwards. What am I doing? Why do I think this will help? Nothing helps, I know that. Not on the first day anyway. Tomorrow I will wake up and it will be better, because I know that I can start again when it finishes but today…today is rather unpleasant.
I can hear him pottering around the house. He knows how these first days hit me and he tries to keep out of my way. I know he finds it hard, seeing my skin swollen with tears. That’s literally how I feel - like if he touched me I would explode. Sometimes I wish I could. Explode, I mean. Perhaps if he did ask me when I was feeling like this, if I sobbed at his feet and sang my heart out of my chest for him he would finally understand and let me have you. I did that once though. We were much younger then and we both thought we had the world to conquer and so I understood where he was coming from then when he said he wanted to wait. But nothing much has changed since then. I have graduated and have a steady job while he is still doing the same thing, day in and day out. I am the breadwinner now, and still he won’t let me have my way.
I feel calmer now. Not so dangerously close to breaking. I don’t want him to see me broken.