Let me sink

How the mind works when Death loiters around?

Let me sink into uncertainty.

White-washed walls, painful bright lights, and machines beeping and humming beside her frail body; all these she sees through clouded eyes.

A hand holds her tightly; anchoring her to this bitter world she had been born into, and would soon leave. Outside the window, nature celebrates, for another soul would soon leave the imperfect body and join the dance toward the path to the afterlife. A streaming of souls awaits her coming.

“Don’t die,” these words are whispered with pleading and silent prayers. The hand tightens almost painfully, but it has a purpose. She does not feel anymore, cannot feel anymore, and would not feel anymore.  Pain is unbearable and thus renders the physical body numb, now the pain resides in the mind and not in the body. It’s all well, perhaps meant to be.

She parts her lips, feeling guilty for the tears being shed for her, and tries to tell her not to cry. Nothing comes out of her mouth, only silence and nothing more. Lips are being pressed against her cold forehead; a teardrop wets it and travels down her face. A teardrop felt foreign on her pale skin, she was almost wrapped in delight in knowing she could feel one before leaving this world.

Memories, delicate as life itself, are cascading from the darkness in which they had been locked. Images steal her vision from the real world and take her deeper into unconsciousness, a recurrent place for her. She watches her own death, alone and forgotten.

Throughout her life, she had only known one word: survival. Nobody out there is going to help you; everybody minds their own business and happiness. Why should she care? She didn’t care; she escaped her abusive family when she was old enough to curse: age thirteen. She wandered the streets and parks, the only places that seem to welcome and accept her as the outcast she was. She runs errands to buy food and shelter and to keep her body pure, for five years she succeeds.

When a girl has lived eighteen years she is able to see the world cast in different lights as she grows older, she dislikes each and every one of them. All of them unwelcoming, all of them ruthless, but why should she care? After all, Life is reflected in oneself.

A sob brings her back to reality and a deafening crash snatches her back to her dreams. Her legs aches due to the impact of the car, her body is lifted through the air like a flimsy rag. She falls on her back, in that moment is when she knows that pain has finally meet Death. Shadows move around her and the pool of blood beneath her. A crimson sky is reflected on the street and that is everything she can discern before her ears drones with the blaring sound of sirens.

“What happened?” a hurried voice asks, feeling for her pulse. The ambulance is rapidly speeding away toward the nearest hospital.

“She pushed my daughter out of danger and was hit by the car,” more sobs, “It’s my entire fault, I should’ve look after my baby and not let her wander off into the streets.”

An act of bravery or foolishness?

She visualized the moon sail through the sky, parting clouds away. Why did she save the little girl? That was a question she will never learn to understand. Maybe the world seems less hostile if the children lived and the withered died, that was the most logical explanation. She turns to look at the tearful mother and assure her that everything will be fine.

The mother gives one final squeeze and nods. She smiles understanding and gives her a blessing before parting.

Her heart burns with joy because she wouldn’t die alone and forgotten, someone was watching over her. There was also the sky and the celestial bodies witnessing her leaving this world with some regret. It was all behind her right now, the future was distant and vague. She smiles her last smile, her face serene and peaceful. Her muscles relax and the grip on her hand looses pressure.

What is there after death? Uncertainty most probably.

Let me sink into it.

The End

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