Think of the most repulsive creature you can think of. At the moment a leach comes to mind. It could be a tick, flea, misquito. I am that creature. I latch onto my prey and suck the very life from them.
I think its a pretty exaggerated analogy, but the point is clear. I suck myself from my depressison by feeding off of aother's happiness. It always begins with guys. My huntress eyes spy a tall and muscular creature, stalking the crowds for someone to save. Oh handsome, save me! We grow close. My talons circling above ready to dive into the prey, hovering close merely feeding off his enthusiasm. Tomarow it might be his self confidence. My favorite is the present state of mind, a life without analysis. And so we share this glory, I merely soaking up what he has to share. This goes on until something isn't working, and we drop away form one another. Then it gets tricky. This is the breaking from the cocoon moment.
Usually I let him live, and he comes back. THe relationship doesn't end, it merely winks. Here's where my true selfhatred oringinates: the problems live on.
My realization: I can never move on or grow.
It started with a song. In short, a troubled dame led an unhappy life. SHe is rescued from herself by the most perfect guy, and their love makes everything perfect. He disappears, and she thinks he's died. SHe undergoes tremendous grief, in the end realizing what she really wants in life, and putting her back on the path to what she really wants. He comes back, and she releases all the new found power she;d gained waithout him to take the safe road.
My new found knowledge: I need to stop distracting myself with guys, and focus on myself, There are times when guys just walk into your life and things just flow into perfection, but you cant force the flow. Laugh, not because your trying to impress anyone but because it makes you feel good inside. Smile because you know you want to. Dance because it isn't about whose watching, but about how proud it will make you feel when you know for the first time in your life, you weren't sucking away someone else's life. You were living your own.