I found a strange job application waiting for me in the dead of the night. Here goes, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
This is in reply to a night-shift requirement posted by you on PartTimeCrime.com. As requested, I'm writing this after 12 - in fact, you can confirm that I started writing it as late as 3 o'clock at night. Relax, I have an anonymous email ID in a cyber cafe which has already closed.
Sir/madam, I have a 7 year experience in planning efficient, peaceful murders of influential people. As of now, I have worked in contract killing for clients in Politics, Bollywood, Sports, and Journalism - but your requirement for the additional areas of Transport and Nightlife is okay with me.
My experience as a heartless, misanthropic killer has taught me to be flexible and variable in my output and timings - therefore I can handle victims from any field or department. Additionally, I don't keep a bias towards age, sex or religion - and this has helped me to kill nearly universally, without emotions of race or caste interrupting your expectations.
Satisfying client's requirement is essential to me.
1. Dependence on gun/ noisy methods is not necessary.
2. Unlike other killers, I don't charge per hour. I find that charging per body is more cost-effective for you, the provider, as well as for me, the doer.
3. Observe extreme silence for work, and like to stick to strict deadlines.
4. Total absence of emotion. I have never smiled/cried in my entire life. This gives me an edge over killers who are usually blackmailed by the victim as to why he shouldn't kill him/her.
5. Very efficient in my duties. No entry in my portfolio of work has ever escaped or survived.
6. Am good in HTML and website development.
7. Can help you with database ideas on how to keep a list of your victims.
Extra curricular skills:
1. Excellent match-fixing skills.
3. I can cook my own food, if you know what I mean
I cannot attach my portfolio here because some of it is still alive. Instead, I am sending you samples of blood and body parts through mail.
I had chosen the cyber cafe owner of this cafe for a recommendation, but that can't happen anymore on account of his sudden death about thirty minutes ago.
Location / travel isn't an issue.
Cheers and regards, and looking forward to a favorable reply,