I was thinking today that it was my fault for what happened. I am the daughter, after all, and had a duty to my father, the man who made me. If I hadn't done this, or said that or thought the other, perhaps we might never of lost those yars. i'd have never moved away. At the time, I blamed it on you. I was too young to imagine that it might be my fault. And later, when i blamed myself, excuses that you were meant to be the adult, you were the father seemed just that; excuses.
But isn't that the case too? I have been foolish, yes, and I should have made the effort, but so should you. I was so young then. I had other burdens to carry, and what happened between us that day was the final straw. That was why I had to go. I remember the sticky night clinging to my skin as I left by the back door of our house, and trundled down the pebbled path to the whitewashed gate. I thought I was traveling light - just a small navy duffel bag with the priority of my possessions as I slipped into the taxi. It was only later that I learned how much more I was carrying.
That's why I never... It took all this time to unpack that duffel bag. Only in the past six months have I been able to ruthlessly weed that garden. But to be honest, it only feels like you've betrayed me again now I've found out. I may have left the first time, but you left just as i was coming back. Perhaps it is my punishment.
I only hope that the scrap of faith I have can be rekindled. If there was something that could make all this right. Perhaps you aren't really dead, perhaps they misunderstood me. Perhaps they only said you were gone because you no longer can bear the thought of me. Perhaps they are punishing me too.
I know that I failed you. But you failed me too. You are still failing me in letting me fall into all of this again. Just as I am ready to resume, you've crashed me back into turmoil, just as though the years never passed, and I am back n that old house where it happened.
But what is the point in arguing - you are gone. You cannot come back. I cannot hope for a sign from you, about you. That is my punishment. Yet I, too, am innocent.