Keeping the Faith...

I saw your picture today and thought I would write you this letter.  One day I hope that I can give it to you in person. I don’t know if you want to see me, if you think of me, if you regret having me. I don’t know if you miss me I’m afraid you don’t love me anymore. I can’t come back until I’m ready to hear the answer either way.

               I just want you to know I remember you holding me up to the lilac trees so I could smell them – time after time until I had smelled them enough.

               I love you and have never given up hope that one day we can find our way back to each other. I still have the card you left me all those years ago and until we can see each other face to face, I’ll continue to “keep the faith.”

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I tried to call you today, to tell you that I love you and that I'm sorry about us losing these years, that I'm ready to forgive and move past our issues - together. 

Instead I was told you had died 18 months ago and nobody told me.  I know I am the one that stayed away in order to heal, but I never thought it was over.  It never dawned on me that if something happened to you nobody would tell me, give me a chance to make my peace, perhaps even making your passing easier.

I dont know if you thought I didnt care or didnt love you and I cannot even imagine the moments you faced until you pulled your own oxygen tubes out because you were so tired of struggling.

Did I make that worse for you by leaving so many years ago because I didnt know how to face my own hurts? Did my hurting you make you want death more? I'm so sorry daddy.. I'm so sorry. 

I never wanted to hurt you, I just needed the time and space to become who I am.  I miss you terribly but no longer have the chance to be your daughter. Perhaps that is the price I have to pay for not keeping the faith like you asked me to.  

The End

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