Just Another DayMature

I stepped into the room.

I’d been here so many times before, it was so familiar, yet so foreign to me.

This was where I belonged. Not my view, this was a fact. I officially belonged here.

Yet I couldn’t have belonged anywhere, any less. This place was my refuge, yet it was still part of my nightmare. It’s all relative you see, this was better than it had been and much better than it would be. You see, the stuff in the past I can deal with. It’s the stuff in the future that gets to me. Yet, would I be worried about the future if I hadn’t had the past?

At least with the past I know about it, it’s what they’ve got next I can’t take. Will the last one be the last. Or will the last one just be one of the others. I can’t even bring myself to call it the last one. God I hope there’s a last one.

But there won’t be. Well, there will be, but not in any relevant timescale. Right now, right here, in my head, there will not be a last one. This is never ending. That’s the thing about my situation, my age, me. Everything’s gonna last forever. But time is running out.

Anyway, back to the room.

It’s really just another small part of the misery, peck, peck, pecking away at me. They all think I’m stupid. Even the stupid ones think I’m stupid. That’s the bit which really fucks me off. I can take it off some of them. That’s fair enough, even at my age I can work out what’s going on. I’m not that far gone. Survival of the fittest. The strong suck the life out the weak. The weak don’t become heroes. The fact I think it’s fair enough shows how far I’ve come, cos really, it isn’t fair enough. It’s far from being fair enough. It’s a long fucking way from being anyway near fair enough.

But where I am now, not geographically, geographically I’m still in the room. But psychologically, where I am now, I can take it from some of them, but some of them, some of them…. Some of them really should be on my side, but they’re not. God they are not. They’re more on the other side than anyone. Yet, they don’t think they’re even on a side.

Bastards. They’re the ones I really hate, cos they are in touching distance. The others, well, I wouldn’t want to be near them if I could. Well, I say that, I’d love to be them, I’d love to be anyone. Literally anyone. I know shit goes on in the world, but right now, right here, in my head, there isn’t anyone I’d not wanna be. That may sound like a careless statement, if you think it is, you’ve never been where I’ve been, again, psychologically speaking. I’m sure you’ve been everywhere I’ve been geographically, I’ve not been far.

Anyway, back to the room.

Things are much better now, there is lots of laughter and jovialty. I just cracked a joke and everyone turned and laughed. It was nice. Everyone looking at me, smiling, laughing and enjoying my witty reportie. If only I could remember the joke. You’d enjoy it. They’ve stopped laughing, stopped smiling, stopped looking at me. Thank god, I can relax. They were never laughing at my joke, they were laughing, yes. Smiling, yes. Looking at me? Yes. But at my joke? No. I was kidding me and you. It’s an important part of it all. Not kidding you, I do that a lot, but it’s not important. Kidding me, now that’s important.

Anyway, back to room.

The room is shit. I hate the room. But it’s much, much better than what awaits outside.

The End

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