Jiffy

A brief safety message

        Everybody is finally safe. All threats to loss of life have been eradicated from the province, and after millenniums of living in fear, humanity may finally stand in peace. Ha-ha! That is, sit in peace, as everyone must be keenly aware of at this point, walking has been outlawed by the great Patriarch Fillmore. As a reminder: if any citizens are seen not using their province-issued motor chairs, it is a direct violation of Safety Act VII, and is notably treason against His Holiness. But I have full assurance that all citizens will obey the Act with civility and cheerfulness. 

        Please understand that this ordinance is for your benefit. Do you know how many walking-related injuries there were in our province alone last year? One thousand, one hundred and fifty-five. Usage of the motor chairs will reduce the chance of walking-related injuries by 100%. This is not a time to be sad. Rejoice! There are no more hazards against humanity within our borders! Just last week, we successfully completed lining all streets, buildings, and public areas with protective rubber. All of the sick have been led out of the province, for your benefit, so that their affliction will not spread to the healthy citizens. Rocks have been banned, as well as glass, electric sockets, metal, flammable objects, scissors, and such and so on. A full list of banned materials will be posted in the Square, but remember: standing within five feet is illegal for fear of the hazard of a paper cut.

        Within the week, your province-issued protective bubble wrap suits will be sent directly to your place of residence. Again, the penalty of not wearing the suits at all time will be a direct violation of Safety Act VII and is punishable by immediate excommunication from the state. 

Bless you all; hail the Patriarch!

Signing off,

Arthur Wellington

Chief Director of General Safety

The End

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