Mary's got a very holy bun in the oven, but Joseph's having none of it. Cue the gab...I mean, fabulous Angel Gabriel to clear things up for them. Surely nothing can go off plan when an Angel Of The Lord is present?

"Look, dammit Joseph, I'm not lying!"

Mary had tried to explain to him, she really had. But now it was just a shouting match, and Joseph was having none of her nonsense. 

"You were a virgin when you married me! And now...pregnant? Come on! If it were really some sort of miracle, why did only tell me now?"

"I only just found out!"

"What, after your blood hadn't shown up after a few months? Come off it, Mary!"

Mary thought back with a twinge of guilt to her night of passion with that one stable-keep. And that other one...and that other... Anyway, it had been something of a relief when an angel told her she didn't have to worry about it. It was God's problem now. What a miracle that was.

"Seriously, look. He said he'd come help me out if I needed him, so I'll just call him down now, shall I?"

Joseph shot her a withering look. This whole wedding-the-teenage-virgin thing had been a palava from the start. Which idiot ever thought that marrying someone with hormone peaks higher than The Tower Of Babel was a good idea?

"You're just going to call down an angel to sort it out?"

Mary paused a moment.

"...That's the plan, yes."


They stood across from each other, each with arms crossed. 

"Well, go on then," Joseph dared. 

Mary glared at him, then turned to the sky, feeling a bit awkward. She raised her arms- more for feeling like she ought to than anything. 


At that moment, a great light shone from the sky. The dark carpet of the stars seemed to open up and from it emerged a smoke, and a figure. 

It was almost like the transformation sequence from Stars In Their Eyes. 

"You can put your arms down now, honey, I'm an Angel Of The Lord, not Airport Security. And honestly, is it that hard to remember? It's Gabriel. I know I'm effeminate, but come on." 

Mary's cheeks blushed. 


"Think nothing of it, love." 

(It's worth noting here that in Heaven, time doesn't operate as on Earth. So Angels and God Himself have a knowledge of all of the Divine Timeline of Fate. In short, God can watch an episode of Eastenders whilst killing time between the Dark Ages. And the Angel Gabriel can know of the that Hell exists on Earth in the form of Airport Security.)

He descended to the ground slowly, in a glittering, pink haze of light. He was good looking with flowing golden hair, and you would swear that as he drifted down he carried the faint scent of Tresemme with him. 

"So-o-o...," Gabriel clicked his tongue, hand on one hip, as he looked Joseph up and down. "This is the hunk of a guy you married. Joseph, nice to meet you. I'm the Angel Gabriel."

He held out a hand to a more than confused Joseph, who took it, looking rather bewildered as he did. At this point, Gabriel's prying eyes spotted Joseph's footwear. He leapt back with a yip.

"Oh, dear merciful Lord...socks with sandals? Really?"

Joseph looked sheepish. 

"Uh, yeah."

"That's basically a sin, hon. I was betting on God forbidding that one in the Ten Commandments. Simply won't do for the step-daddy of God's son".

Gabriel turned on one heel, away from him. When he'd come down to explain the whole thing to Mary, they'd had quite the girly gossip about her husband. But he'd never quite expected that. 

"Mary, Mary. Enchante, as ever.," he kissed both Mary's cheeks. She giggled. 

Joseph flushed. He was the man around here, he wasn't to be put down by this pansy...Angel.

"Yeah, look, about that. What's this about my wife having your God's son?"

Gabriel turned back to Joseph, raising a perfectly plucked eyebrow. Was that mascara on his lashes, too? 

"Your God's son, too, darling. The Holy Spirit came upon her, and the power of the Most High overshadowed her, yada yada. Basically, she's up the duff with God's kid. And you get to play Daddy. So make a good job of it, we're aiming Up There to not raise one with Daddy Issues."

Mary, unnoticed to Joseph, also raised an eyebrow. If God had been the last she'd had in bed, he definitely, uh...overshadowed...Joseph. 

The Holy Spirit came upon her alright, thought Joseph. 

"I know it's all very hard for you, but hey, think of the royalties! You'll be remembered until the end of days for bringing the Messiah into existence." 

"The...'Messiah'?" puzzled Joseph. 

"Yes, hon. The King Of The World. Etcetera."

"And...I'm supposed to just...go with it?"

"That's...kind of the plan. Yes."

"What if I'm not ready to be a Dad?," he roared, "What do we even call the...son of God?".

Gabriel pressed a perfectly-manicured palm to his forehead. Mortals were a pain to deal with sometimes. 

"Jesus Christ...look, it's all part of the big plan. Can you please just accept that?"

"What kind of name is 'Jesus Christ'?"

Gabriel stumbled. Shit. That wasn't how it was meant to go. That was supposed to be the name of Satan's son, hence why people used it to cuss with. 


"Jesus...what a lovely name," breathed Mary. 

Dammit. God wasn't going to be best pleased. He'd been rather set on calling him "Brian". 

"Yeah, okay. Urm. Look, I have a pre-tty tight schedule. I kind of have to go now." Gabriel started to back away. Maybe God would lend him the Flux Capacitor, he could go back and fix this whole naming mess. 

"But, wait! You've only just started to explain!," cried Joseph. 

"It's...all you need to know! You know God, always seeing, always knowing, always vague. Ha...ha."

"Gabriel! I must know...why us? What made him choose us?" 

The Angel almost rolled his eyes. Mortals, so attention seeking, so set on feeling wanted and chosen. He told God he should've been there to watch them grow up, then maybe they wouldn't all have the abandonment issues that spawned the like of Camus and Satre. 

(All the same, he couldn't break their little hopeful hearts and tell them that their place in history had been won by chance. God had had a busy day, so left the Angels to decide on which couple would be the lucky ones. With no better ideas and an excuse to gamble, they settled on a Roulette Wheel with each candidate couple representing a number.)

(Gabriel lost a lot of money that night.)

" was, urm. Your strong moral fibre". That wouldn't be enough, he thought. "And your good looks." 

Both Mary and Joseph looked quite pleased. There, that ought to satiate them. 

"Well, duckies. Time I was off, I think." 

Beam me up, thought Gabriel, and so it was that he began floating upwards once more. 

Mortals, thought Gabriel as he drifted up, watching Mary and Joseph wave from below. God really does work in mysterious ways. I wouldn't trust them with my children. 


The End

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