I started living day by day, everyday adding pain instead of love e4ch day. I am so tired. I couldn't hardly breathe.
I did everything for love, but is this what I get from him? Being taken for granted! He wasn't the man I knew before. His mind was filled with lots of jealousies and paranoia. I don't know what his problem is. I don't know why he turned that way. I swear I did my best, I swear I gave my all. I tried helping him financially, but it ended up, we... fighting with money. Arguing about my job, complaining, I have no time for him and all I do is work. I felt sorry for what he said. I felt sorry for working hard .
He said, " Why were you easily hired? Are you having an affair with your boss?"No, I'm not!"You really don't know me, Do you?" I said. "Yes! know you well! You give yourself to get what you want!"
It hurts me so bad! When he said that to me. I already changed for him, but why does he think of me like that. Is it because I told him about my past? I regret telling him everything about me. I should have kept them in me. So that he wouldn't judge me that way. But I love him so much that I became too honest with him. There were many men in my past. I can not finger count them all. I swear I've already changed. But why is he like that? why?
Days moved fast, I was busy with my job like he was. It's a good thing, I was able to hire a baby sitter to baby sit our toddler. My son was so playful. He always play with his toys. And he even plays with our computer. He is such a smart kid. He also loves to watch educational videos all by himself, because I have no time for him while I was working. How I miss taking care of my son. But I guess he is being well taken care of by his nanny.
"Mommy! mommy! why do you go to work?" my son asked."I go to work dear, because we need money to buy your toys, pay your nanny and so that I can give you anything that you want because I want you to be happy, son!" I replied. "Mommy do you want me to be happy?" ...."Yes, ofcourse dear, I do!"..."Then stay with me here, mommy and play with me everyday, I miss you mommy!" Then I hugged him tight.
But I can't just leave my job because of what he said. If I don't have a job, then how are we going to live? With my husband's salary? It's not enough. So i continued going to work. But still I try to have time with my son. How I really love my son. To me he is my everything. He is the reason why I live. and I'll do my best to become a great mother to him.
My husband also goes to work everyday. And after work, usually he is drunk when he goes home. We had no time to make love. For we were always tired. And the flames of love we had with each other soon started dying. I did my best to save our marriage. But I guess I was a failure. He was always jealous with my friends. Sometimes he argue with my boss. Accusing him having an affair with me. In my mind I am guilty commiting myself in the nature of Adultery.
Adultery defined as carnal connection between a married person and one unmarried, or between a married person and the spouse of another. It is seen to differ from fornication in that it supposes the marriage of one or both of the agents. Nor is it necessary that this marriage be already consummated; it need only be what theologians call matrimonium ratum. Sexual commerce with one engaged to another does not, it is most generally held, constitute adultery. Again, adultery, as the definition declares, is committed in carnal intercourse. Nevertheless immodest actions indulged in between a married person and another not the lawful spouse.
My husband shouted...."You dirty whore! I know you are cheating with me with your boss, I can see it with the way you look into each other's eyes".
"Ok! fine! I'll tell you the truth. The reason why I easily get that job and why I got easily promoted?
Honestly, my boss? He was my ex boyfriend!
It was hard for me to get in a company that is why i asked help from him. But I swear we are not having an affair. So please will you please stop accusing us and try trusting me?" I shouted back.
Everyday our life was always about that issue. So I quitted my job for him to stop suspecting.
I love him so much and I'm afraid I might lose him if I don't leave my job. And so I did! I left my job.
I have made my decision. I took care of our son. I bring him to school every day and fetch him there. We usually stay at home after his classes at preschool and his nanny left us because I don't have enough money to pay for her. And I do all our house chores like clean our house, wash the dishes, do the laundry, cook our food, name it, all what a usual housewife does. I turned in to that. I never had time to fix my hair. No time to wear make ups. No time to have manicures and pedicures. I gained weight. And then I got sick. But it was all okay for I had no time to look at myself in front of the mirror for all I do is just take good care of my son including my husband. I thought he will love me again for trying to be a perfect wife. But I failed
Then one day somebody was knocking on our door. I opened it and I was surprised to see that it was my mother visiting me. She asked what happened to me. Why I grew old fast because I already look old at the age of 23, I look as if I was 30 she said.
Don’t you have time to look at yourself in the mirror like what you usually do? Why don’t you take care of yourself anymore? Are you alright? She asked.
Of course I’m fine mother. I guess I’ve changed? Then my mother sighed and hugged me. She said, “Is that how you changed”? You don’t want to feel pretty anymore? Then I told her, “I don’t know mother! I really do not know who I am turning into again?Go fix yourself dear. Remember that even if you're already married and in charge at home, that doesn’t mean you cannot go out and have fun anymore.
So It awakened me. I asked myself what is the meaning of fun. "And there i go again". SELFISH.