"Oh! How it feels good to be free... free from the stupidity of my past. But I don't know until when I will be stupidity-free."
After i got out of that place we called batcave, i found out that my parents adopted my daughter, because they said i was still young and uncapable of being a mother, so i never got achance to take care of her. And i feel pitty for her. But maybe my parents does know what was best for us. So I just let them be fully in charge of her. And me? I don't know.
I Do not know until when I will still be facing my own shadows and Move forward the right path, for I am only human with hungers in life, searching for foods to feed my own soul without having no one to tell me which foods will feed my hungers without having stomach aches.
There are so many things I've learned from my past. That I should become wiser to choose whom to be friends with and who to give my heart to. But I'm not sure if I can do that. I know myself well. I don't choose people based from what I see in them, because I don't easily judge people. I get to know them first and I don't just get rid of them, if I don't like them, I still treat them properly, of course. But I guess that is the main problem in me. I easily trust. Then that was the start of my way more challenging life still as a teen at 18. The legal age. Quite matured enough to know what is right from wrong. Surely, I do obeyed my parents' house rules. I follow what they want me to do. I stay at home and do house chores. I go out with them to watch movies. I don't entertain suitors. And I don't have a boyfriend but I do have "friends with benefits" guy friends secretly, which doesn't count as my boyfriends. Quite enjoying "FREEDOM" huh?
I don't know why I was like that. But all I know is that, I love the feeling of having many guys admiring me for me being easy to get along with because I am too friendly and I do favors for them whatever it is they wish for me to do just for the fun experience.
"Mischieve with erotic romance exploring and expliciting sexual fantasies for the purpose of pleasure."
I wasn't a killjoy. But I wasn't too giving also. I just go with the flow, wherever it may lead us to. But of course I was careful. I don't want anyone to know what I was doing. So all my teen age life, was full of lies, just to get what I want, and to be with whom I want to be with. And I was good in that. I am the "best secret keeper" plus I am the best "block mailer" who give threats to protect myself. I manipulated those guys I were with that time and they never tell anyone what we did. They were never the type of guys who loves to kiss and tell. Because they are afraid of what I was capable of doing. Because when someone betray me. For sure, I'll get even.
And so I turned being "playful" and cruel. I urged for more flesh of men like a "nympho". Not just ONE, not just TWO or THREE, but I wanted more! I do not know why I was like that. But when guys tempt me, I easily give in. I'm not saying I am easy to get. But honestly, I just don't think at all. With my faith falling once again because it was built without strong foundation", I guess...
One night at a bar, I danced with my girlfriends all night long. We met a lot of different men, and of course! What do you think, usually happens after a party? You get drunk and wasted. But I didn't lost myself even if I was too drunk that time. Maybe because the effect of the alcohol in me isn't the feeling of throwing up and feeling dizzy, but the effect of the alcohol in me is being horny. I was so "drunk", and because I was drunk and I easily trust people. I didn't knew that the guy I flirted with putted some drug in my liquor. That made me, Oh! so feeling high and sexy. So we've done it. We played like porn stars for a party of 4 including the little guy with a video camera recording the scene. I still know what was happening. I tried to FIGHT them.
"Obscene and human bodies used by demon like beings"
One is okay with me but not more than one during that time. I tried kicking and pushing and screaming but then no one heard me, they were 4. One who was covering my mouth, another one who was holding my hands high while laying down in bed, one holding my feet so i wouldn't be able to kick and THE other one fucking me. Then after him comes another one, and another one and another one. And the actual guy who I were with at the bar, went back inside and told me not to tell anyone because we were all UNDER the influence of "ecstacy" and no one will believe me. And so i just kept quiet. I can never forget that moment. For what I felt during time was mixed pain and pleasure. And swear, it will never happen again. I buried that particular event in my life on the GROUND and started a new life again....trying to cope up the burdens in me WITH music in my life instead of PRAYERS My faith got lost again.
There comes MY SECOND CHANCE AGAIN.