An average, young wizard by the name of Jack Magic embarks on a quest of love, pain, and discovery.
Jack Magic arrived once more at "Platform Pussy", as he called it. He stood ready before the inconspicuous brick arch, dressed in his pressed Yellow-Trim robes. With a flick of his hand through his jet black, emo-styled hair, he gave a wicked grin and laughed.
"Prepare to be entered." His voice was gruff and sultry.
Jack strutted effortlessly through the enchanted arch, where other, lesser wizards would have run. He looked at everything in life like he looked at handling a witch; it was always better slow. On the other side of the arch there awaited a horde of witches and necromistresses congregating to greet Jack at the train, many of whom he had already "defended against the dark arts." Jack, being a wizard of composure, shrugged off the girls and made his way toward the train.
"Ladies, please, let me through. There'll be plenty of time for this in class."
A cacophony of screams from men and women resounded through the station as Jack boarded the train, and once he was safely onboard, the conductor gave the go-ahead to depart. He cruised down the train car, not unlike John Travolta walked down the streets of New York City in Saturday Night Fever. As he strutted, he passed room after room of screaming students begging to be with him, but he chose to accompany his best friend, Scorpius.
"If it isn't Jack Magic," said Scorpius as Jack walked in. "The only Wizard cooler than me."
"Scorpius, you greasy degenerate,” said Jack. "I'm surprised to find you without Albus between your legs."
"Come off it, Magic, and sit down.” Jack found a seat between some other students in Green-Trim, and Scorpius continued. "We'll be joining Phi Theta Kappa this year, Magic. The best grades money can buy."
Jack nodded, his lazy eyes finding the booth window.
"It's a worthless institution, really,” said Scorpius. “I should be working with Father at the Ministry, by now.”
"It's pretty tough."
"What about you? You don't even take proper classes. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure if you've ever been enrolled."
Jack's position at school had always been a mystery. Some say the Magics’ ties to The School had existed for generations. Others said that Jack just showed up first year and was so well liked that no one in the staff could bring the hammer down on his reign over staff. Either way, he spent his years ducking between classes of all grade levels, depending on what he could actually do. The staff called this "Intensive Education", and Jack received honors status even for excelling in classes intended for ten year olds. Jack threw his arm around a Green-Trim witch beside him – she did not protest.
"What's really important, however, is that my petition for sexual education goes through. I think there's a lot of these kids could learn about swishing and flicking their wands."
Choosing now to make their vivacious entrance, the school losers, James, Lily, and Albus, walked by, slipping on the perpetual trail of banana peels following them. Not a minute could go by without one of the cooler, smarter, and better looking students playing a joke on them. The booth erupted in raucous laughter just as Jack got a call on his Wizard Cellphone™. The entire train fell silent as Jack began to speak.
"Yes, Mister Headmaster?"
"It's The Headmaster!" the wizards said in astonished unison. As Jack listened to the mysterious caller his face became grim. Calmly putting the Wizard Cellphone™ down he said, "I don't want to alarm anyone… but there's a Humanazee on the train."
The booth, and apparently the whole train, burst into panic. For a solid minute there was nothing but screaming, candy being thrown, and inexplicable fires erupting. Through the chaos, Albus, widely considered stupidest of all students this year, asked, "What is a Humanzee?"
The entire train fell silent once again as everyone realized they had no idea what a Humanzee was. Jack proceeded to open Safari on his Wizard Cellphone™ and typed in "chimp with a gun", which he then showed to the already terrified students. It was then they truly realized the horrors of the chimp/man hybrid monstrosity, once again flying into uproarious carnage. A cry for help was heard further down the train as a first year ran into the car, covered in blood and ape excrement.
"A giant ape!" he said, barely managing his broken plea. "He rampaged through the cars, killing anyone in his path, and I think he took the conductor hostage!"
"The ape, boy!" said Jack, "What did it look like?!"
"It looked like a regular chimp, sir." Tears streamed down the boy’s face.
For a split second, Jack was relieved, but the boy continued speaking. "Except it wore a black top hat, a monocle, and was smoking a cigar!"
"NOOOO!" Jack readied his wand.
Without sparing a second, he pushed the boy aside and rushed down the ruined halls. A series of thoughts whizzed through his mind. Where did the Humanzee come from? Why is it here? Does it look cool? But there was no time for this. He almost fell over the mangled body of what looked like a chubby, bearded homeless man as he raced down the human meat-filled halls. He hopped between cars and entered a scene more horrific than the last. The car was in total disarray, and electrical wires sat exposed, hissing sparks from the walls. Jack tried to avoid the discharge of electricity to his side, but would be hit. He thought fast and said, "Ignis Comedit!", causing the burst of energy to be absorbed into the tip of his wand, effectively supercharging it for the fight to come. Jack was then able to proceed safely.
Jack emerged at last from the destroyed car into the conductor's car. Before him stood the infernal man/ape, with the horrified train conductor in its grip.
"Unhand him, Monster!" said Jack, holding his wand aloft.
"Oh, Mr. Magic, I don't think so…" said the repugnantly refined ape.
Jack, not being used to rejection of any sort, was taken aback by the comment. "Wait… how did you know my name?!"
"I know many things, boy," said the Humanzee. "Like who you are and how to crush the life out of this unfortunate train conductor." He snarled the last word and tightened his hold upon the man's neck.
The ape smiled, displaying a maw of perfectly maintained teeth, beset by to two obtuse fangs. The primate's signature cigar jut obnoxiously from a clenched bite. The situation was bad; this much Jack knew. One errant twitch and the heinous hybrid would harm the hapless train conductor. He eyed both victim and foe, planning, searching for a solution. Inspiration flashed, and he brandished his wand. "In Bläckfisk!" A bolt of lighting surged into the air.
“You were a fool to target me!" said the ape, prepared to kill.
"I wasn't aiming for you, banana breath!" The magical bolt hit the conductor in the solar plexus, and, with a flash, he was mutated into a hideous mass of tentacles and grisly suckers, lined by rows of eldritch teeth. The train conductor's tentacles shot out and wrapped around the dastardly Humanzee , constricting it. The Humanzee fought against the conductor, hoping to kill the monstrosity before it could do much damage, but the conductor was fast. The once weak man-body was replaced with a creature to rival the abominations dwelling in the darkest abyss of the great Wizard Ocean, and it had the strength to match its new grotesque form. Jack jumped back as the Humanzee and the Conductor-turned-Cephalopod engaged in a titanic battle. Tentacle met ape arm and sucker clashed on fur. The Humanzee abandoned all airs of civility and became the beast it truly was. It bit and clawed at the enraged Condcutorpus, but the Cephalopod was more than a match for the hairy beast. As a tentacle began to wrap itself around the Humanzee's neck a single tear rolled down the Humanzee's cheek. From Jack's view point he could swear he saw the Octo-Conductor shed a single tear as well.
Now you know, the octopus thought.
However, The Humanzee rallied, gnawed off the tentacle constricting its throat, and kicked the squid beast back. Being an aquatic creature, it could not easily regain its composure. Seizing the moment, the Humanzee turned its attention to Jack. It growled an incoherent threat and dived, brutish arms outstretched.
Jack acted without thinking. He shot a fireball at the Humanzee but missed and hit the train engine, exploding it in a fiery inferno of death. The Ape and Sucker Beast were consumed by the conflagration, leaving the stenches of burnt hair and fried calamari. The force was enough to blast Jack back into the previous car.
For a moment Jack was unconscious. Struggling to his feet, he once more saw the hulking figure of the Humanzee. Portions of its face were bubbling, and the skin fell off in charred clumps. Flames had begun along its fur, but even alight, the top hat, monocle, and cigar remained unharmed. It had learned to protect its defining paraphernalia with obsessive skill. Injured beyond even his primate rage, he lingered by the engine's window.
"We'll meet again, Jack Magic! But for now it looks like you've got a train to catch!" The Ape leaped, leaving Jack and the train to their fate - Jack ran to the window and leaned out. Through the smoke he saw it; the deathly turn of Dead Wizard Canyon.