its not your fault…
if you are reading this, it is because you are looking for answers. something is happening or has happened in your life that has made you question yourself.
you feel things that you cant talk to other people about.
you don’t talk because it hurts too much.
you don’t talk because you don’t want people to know.
you don’t talk because you don’t know what will happen afterwards.
you don’t talk because you blame yourself.
the blame issue might not be clear becase you know someone else hurt you – but somehow you feel that you played a part in this and that it is not completely someone elses fault.
that type of feeling usually comes from being hurt by someone that you know and care about. that is natural and is expected. feeling this was has also been something protected you for the duration of the abuse.
your mind has trouble accepting that someone that is supposed to love you is hurting you in ways you cannot even comprehend completely. believe it or not, not being able to comprehend completely is a gift. whatever is making this person hurt you is something that they hold inside of themselves that is simply spilling out on you – in your direction. it really has nothing to do with you – except that you are the outlet.
i know that may sound hard to believe but it is true. for some reason they chose you. you did not choose them. you did not ask for anything to happen to you. there is nothing that you could have said or done that justifies anybody on the planet hurting you. nothing. period. end of sentence. nothing.
i know you have many of those yeah but thoughts…
yeah but.. i was bad
yeah but.. i didn’t do…
yeah but.. i did….
yeah but…i dressed…
yeah but… i didn’t say no…
yeah but… i just let it happen….
yeah but.. i didn’t fight them…
yeah but.. i didn’t tell
yeah but… my body responded, so i must have liked it. and how can i be mad at them when i responsed.
but let me resssure you – those sentences are the reason that you are where you are. those sentences show that you can clearly understand and feel that what has happened was and is wrong. hard to understand? let me try…
the fact that you realize something is wrong and feel the need to justify the situation – shows you know the difference between right and wrong.
you are subconsiously looking for a way to blame yourself to let the person off the hook.
you would rather believe you are the worlds best liar or the worlds worst kid – than admit to yourself or anybody else that someone you love beyond measure is hurting you.
that is somehow easier. thinking that was was part of your survival for as long as you have had to endure that sort of treatment. this book is to help you get past that.
that thinking, while helping you survive, is no longer healthy and that is what we need to change.
just like the lies you had to tell for so many years so nobody would know your secrets. and yes, you did feel they were your secrets.
but please let me tell you – they are not your secrets to keep anymore. you can let them go. you can talk. you can tell people. you can get help. you can start to feel again – feel something other than that empty void you created so you wouldn’t get hurt any more.
what happened to you is not your fault. you didn’t do anything wrong. it is the person that hurt you that is trying to hide. they don’t want people to know what they have done – so they made this your secret. its not. there is nothing wrong with you because you were abused. there is something wrong with the people that abused you.
when i say that there is nothing wrong with you – i do not mean that you havent been affected by the abuse. i mean that you did nothing wrong that made someone hurt you in response.
you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time exposed to the wrong people. even if the abuse was over years – it started out the same.
the fear and embarrassment you felt –was the way that the abuse continued. that is not your fault.
you felt that way because it was the natural response – everybody in the world feels or would feel that way. that is not a weakness. nor was it permission.
you didn’t talk because you couldn’t. the people that hurt you - were older, wiser and used that to their advantage. they manipulated you by fear.
that fear made you feel powerless to do anything to stop it.
maybe you tried to talk about it and nobody listened. maybe you tried to talk about it and were told not to talk about it any more. maybe you tried to talk about it and someone told you that was life and to just deal with it. maybe you tried to talk about it and you got hurt worse.
that is how they keep the power. they depend on the fact that people don’t want to know about abuse. they don’t want it to be in their family or happen to the people they love so they deny and get mad at you for breaking their bubble of a wonderful world.
truly, they are not mad at you. they just don’t know what to do – and peoples first response is to lash out at the messenger.
if you are one of the lucky ones – when you tell, they will believe you and do everything they can to stop it. you may even be afraid of that – because then it is out and you have to deal with the looks or people talking behind your back.
you might be worried about having to face that person again. but trust me, once they are found out –they are much more afraid than you ever were or still are.
your life is not over – you can heal from anything that has been done to you. habits and patterns that you have learned in response to being abuse – can be undone and retrained in ways that are healthy for you.
the person that hurt you is the one that will lose their current life. they will lose everything they hold dear. they may end up in jail and lose their liberty and their freedom. they will lose the love, respect, trust and admiration of those that they held dear – their spouces, their families, their coworkers and the nation will brand them forever.
even criminals of the worst kind – hate people that abuse children. they have their own kind of justice system. after all – you could be one of their children, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends etc.
knowing this however should never ever make you afraid to talk. you may not however decide not to take it to the full extend and get the police invovled, but you do need to talk so it stops.
it needs to stop.. and its not your fault.