'It's no kidney stone,' doc tells woman moments before she gives birthMature

“It’s no kidney stone,” the doctor told the woman, moments before she was to give birth to a human child.

“Huh, what you mean it’s not a kidney stone? It needs to be a kidney stone I’m hurtin so bad.”

“Well that’s because you have a child in you. You’re giving birth right now.”

“I’m givin what? I can’t give birth, I got a kidney stone to deal with. I’ll deal with a birthin later.”

“No, you don’t have a kidney stone, you have a child. I guess you’re just too fat to have known the difference.”

“Not again.”

“This has happened before?”

“Twice.”

“You’ve had children twice before without knowing?”

“Yeah, twice without knowin, plus I had a kidney stone. Bitch did that hurt though. This one definitely felt like that.”

“Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s a baby.”

“Get it out of me then, I’ll bring it home and give it to my boyfriend. Goddamn man need to get a bigger peen, I didn’t even remember having no relations with him.”

“Maybe you should lose some weight. Not only would it be good for your heart, back, and other joints, it might help you recognize when you’re having a baby.”

“I’ll eat healthier pizza pies and maybe walk to the fridge for my beers instead of having Albert bring them over to me.”

“Maybe it would be easier if Albert went on a diet with you.”

“Albert’s my son, he’s eight. It’s just not healthy for someone that young to be dieting. You should know better than that doctor.”

“You’re right, I should. What was I thinking?”

“And maybe I can eat my ice cream out of a bowl. The cartons get too soft and start dripping all over my belly anyhow. See, look at all this here chocolate sauce on my shirt. It just dropped right through the box and onto my boob.”

“Could you stop talking for just a while? I need to focus on getting this baby out of you and it’s hard enough with all this extra skin falling around. I just need a few minutes and then I’ll let you be on your way again.”

“Sure doctor, you wanna give me an ice cream cone to keep me quiet? All that talk about chocolate has me hungry.”

“Probably not a good idea right now, childbirth can be very taxing on the mother if she doesn’t take care of herself.”

“Don’t worry bout me doc, I’ll just push that little thing right out. You know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

“It’s a girl.”

“Them easy to push out. Watch this. Huhhhhhhh. You see it yet. Huhh. That was it.”

“Yes it was—you um have a new baby girl. Congratulations.”

“Hooray, hooray, give her here. I better make sure she’s my boyfriends before I go telling him about her. wouldn’t that just be a great old conversation: honey, here’s a baby. It’s black and you’re not but it’s yours is swear. God.”

“Well it’s white for starters.”

“Damn, he’s black.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Is bleaching like an accepted medical practice? I mean it only has to hold for a while. He’ll forget about it eventually.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Then I don’t think so.”

“Well if you’re feeling ok, do you want to go home? You look pretty clean on this end.”

“That would be fine with me. Can you help me off of this shipping skid?”

“Yeah, of course, thanks for using that by the way. I’m sorry we didn’t have beds big enough for you.”

“You goan have that fixed next time?”

“Next time what?”

“Next time I have a kidney stone.”

“You didn’t have one remember? You had a baby. You’re holding her in your arm.”

“Oh right, couldn’t feel her on top of all that arm fat. Well you goan have it fixed for my next baby?”

“When do you expect that will be?”

“Maybe I’m pregnant now. Remember I can never tell these things—they’re just God’s little miracles.”

“No, we probably won’t have a big bed by whenever.”

“That ain’t no worry, I can just drop them sitting in a chair.”

“I’m sure.”

“Well thanks again doctor, this is a surprise.”

“Don’t forget her in the car.”

“Not this time I won’t.”

The End

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