Love is a peculiar thing. It has many levels or layers, all of them different in their own way. For instance, you can love your pet, but the way you love your friends is different, as is the way you love your family, friends, and those who manage to secure your heart in that uniquely special way that makes you wish to spend the rest of your life with them.

Since the divorce, my relationship with both my parents has been rocky, although with my father I am more rocky. Both of us own firey tempers which prevents us from having a full conversation in general without getting annoyed with each other. My mother on the other hand, although we argue, has much more of an understanding of me, despite the fact that I hardly ever spend time with her. I am always hidden away in my room when not doing something constructive or fun, and therefore do not really see much of my family at all.

On the subject of my friends, there is little to say. I love them all, and if I didn't, they would not be my friends. However, there are several occasions when arguments have caused us to fall out, but then, that is natural for all relationships I suppose. There cannot be such a thing as a perfect relationship, because it is our differences which allow us to be individual. If not, we would all be like robots, unable to make our own decisions.

As for my love life, it is pretty much non-existant. As someone who has never dated, much less kissed anyone with any real meaning, the world of relationships is unknown to me, but I have some knowledge on the pain and joy of love or passionate crushes.

My first real crush was on a teacher; I have no shame in admitting that. But I have to announce that this was the first person who made me realise that I was part of the LGBT community, as my teacher was female. It wasn't the first incling I had had of my sexuality, but it was the one that made me truly realise it. Apart from the crush, which lasted a good while, there has only ever been one more person who would be worth mentioning.

As I said before, love is a strange thing. It can be confusing at times, and this I have experienced. With this one special person, I find I can be completely myself, I miss them when they are gone, I am reminded constantly of them through memory or object, and I have learned that a single smile from them can pull at the corners of my lips until I too smile, with no exception.

There are so many good things about this one person, but I understand that this is not a crush, as the feeling is not the same as it was when I had a crush on the teacher mentioned above. No, in fact it is quite different. Instead of being all flames and passion and heat, it is comfort, warmth, and the occassional blush of heat in my cheeks. Whether or not what I feel is simply the best of friendships, or love, I have no real clue, excepet that this person is in my thoughts, and my heart, almost every moment. But really, all I know about them is that I would not wish them away, no matter the circumstances.

I know this person is not perfect; a temper and a insensitive streak runs through them, I have seen it in action. However, I am aware that seeing these and accepting them probably means my heart is not likely to be torn from them. And even more happily, I have recently made progress in this field. An invite to come visit me wasn't exactly what I had in mind as the first step, but I sent it via text and was given the reply 'Will do!'. Now whether that was a nicety or not, I don't know either, but any way it is recieved, it still means something to me.

And my favourite part of this person? Not their body, their mind, anything of that sort. It is their smile, and then their eyes. I truly feel as though this person understands me without me having to speak, and in that lies my deepest affection for this person.

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Author guidance for This story

I have created a persona that has a similar life to ine in order to talk out in different forms the problems and joys in my life. It allows me to analyse situations and psychology of my life. Take everything you read with a pinch of salt because everything that you read may be something that has happened to someone else in my life and therefore the emotions I connect with them might not be correct to how they felt.

updated Sep 17 '11 by Stargazer