The warmth and comfort of private safety teased her as she slid a bare leg out the door. She was leaving the realm of the protected to advance into the world of risk. She might have always lived in a world of risk, if it wasn’t for the whirlpool of normal that created an illusion of safety, yet it was even more dangerous. It made everyone bland and unaware of their unique calling. As she stepped from the realm of protected into the labelless world, there was no right or wrong, just path that was overwhelmingly untraveled.
She felt as she was: a beginner naked and lost, as she stepped from the protected comfort of the known, into the sprinkling cold that dripped from the showerhead where she was vulnerable to the world. Eyes wide, goose bumps appeared across her flesh, and a fleeting feeling of stupidity flashed before being overwhelmed by a sensation of tingling risk she wanted to embark on. The only person to care would be herself, and she realized she wanted now to please herself more than she cared about being judged by any watching eye. She had tasted the life of restriction, and now it provided motive to leap towards freedom. Determination rushed down her alongside the cool water and she released her doubts without compromise. She wanted this for herself, regardless of the consequences.
She didn't allow herself to feel watched or self-conscious, and as the water warmed and slid down her bare back. Her shoulders fell with her breaths and released the rolling tension coiling inside. She felt proud. She liked the feeling of uncertainty.
One would have thought, vulnerable and alone for the world to see would be an action to shrivel her pride, but the glowing sensation inside of her wanted to come out. There was an inner radiance so possessed and buried deep. She wanted to embrace it, and never let it go. Her core tingled and a smile parted over her unrestrained lips. A laugh bubbled up inside of her, uncontrolled it rolled back her head and burst out in an explosion of pure musical joy. It wasn’t too loud in the silence, because it was surrounded by a reason not to care.
She closed her eyes to feel everything. Heat ran down her hair and she realized she had always found reasons to hate it. It wasn’t the right length, or color, or thickness, or style. But as silver droplets escaped from her auburn locks she realized those things were irrelevant, because when she ran it flew out behind her like a golden veil, and it came to life in the wind. It represented freedom. Not even her endless buns and hair ties could anchor something so free. The water ran down her neck, and instead of hating the length and curves, she thanked the elegance, the ability to turn her head, the power to release passion and emotion to others.
She sent love to her shoulders, not bulky but strong. Her arms for their love of climbing, and her hands for the writing and guitar playing, the ability to create, and experience through feel. She used to hate the size, her hands were fat, but now it was merely more space she could experience through. Her chest wasn’t bulky or boney, but soft and proud. Her stomach wasn’t to be ignored with dislike because beneath her soft flesh, muscles churned and held her core. This was the center of her poised figure.
She thanked her thighs having the patience to run faster, as she whipped them with insults of being too large and too jiggley. She sent love to her calves that sprung energy into her step. And she looked at her feet. Her toes uneven and bony, long ugly tendons rigid beneath her chalky pale skin. There was nothing to love about her feet.
Cold shocks now hit her face, and she looked into the crying clouds in confusion. They trembled with passionate energy, urging her from her wet confines.
Her bare feet skipped across the ground and her arms swirled ever higher to meet the oncoming tears. Her whole body flew and she was not fat not bony, but the earth itself as her toes slid into the dirt. In that moment, she loved her feet most of all because they danced.
Then her whole body needed to be a part of it, and she flung herself to the ground, and rolled as gravity urged, not giving a dam in the world. Then she wanted to meet the sky, and her toes left the earth, her entire being straining for just one thing: to be free.
Something stirred inside of her. A daring for adventure. A rebellious streak. She'd thought this feeling had faded along with the photographs. Now undusted, she allowed herself to look at those memories again and let in those emotions she'd blocked out for so long. She LOVED to run free, and challenge everything she knew about herself.
As her feet left the ground once more, she recalled a similar feeling from her past, and the thought thrilled her. She was finding herself again. Now sparked, she wanted to know more, and the smile faded as she began to let in painful memories, that had been kept out for a reason. The past was a painful, dangerous place, and yet, she found it still shaped her. The past held the answers of her happiness, and where everything had gone astray. Her current freedom was worth the past, if it gave her happiness and told her how to find herself again. She was about to live life backwards.