I have always been terrified of water.
The sea is like this giant monster waiting to grab me into its belly and the rest of water is just its little minions.
The feeling I get is so distingtive, it's like my heart is trying to beat it's way out of my chest, just to escape, I feel so hot that I might faint and my brain feels as though its swelling in my skull.
Everybody thinks its ridiculous, yes you can drown in the sea, but really, would paddling a few metres into the foamy water really do any harm?
But no matter how many assurances I recieve I can't go near those waves, just the smell of the local swimming pool brings nausea over me and sometimes I wonder if I could drown in the bath.
Fears supposedly have a root. Every single one of them. Nobody is irrationaly scared of something for completely no reason. I know where my fear comes from, but I never share the reasons or the explanations.
I remember that feeling of drowning, even though I can't remember when it happened or how it happened. It's like this black wall into an old life that I can't remember. I don't know how old I was, or who was with me, or where I was.
All I can remember is water dissapearing down my throat into my lungs, grasping at my sides, sending pain splintering around my ribs. I remember the black as well. The water was murky and it appeared as a black abyss infront of my eyes. I thought that it was death infront of me. The panic that raced through me as I new that I would die was inexplicable.
My hands reached through the water claw like, but I realised there was a large hand on my lower back holding me below the water. I tried to scream, but it was like opening the flood gates and allowing even more water to race through me, tearing at my burning throat and filling me so that I was sick without anywhere to be sick.
I don't even know for sure that it was the sea. For all I know, it was a lake, a pond, a swimming bath. But I'm like a horse thats been spooked whenever I'm near the sea.
I remember the feeling of everything running from my body, that was all I felt or thought, as the black swarmed around me, capturing my senses and my entire body.
I was sure I was dead and that was my soul leaving my body, then I panicked that I was being left behind.
Then everything rushed into me again. A huge force hitting my chest.
Then I was different.
I don't know what I was like before, but I didn't have brown eyes, I didn't wear an old crucifix around my neck and I didn't speak in an American accent. That was all that I new about my old self, the things I wasn't.
Also I new that I wasn't me.
That the two people who claimed to be my parents, weren't my parents.
I also new that that I had to find out who my old self was and who had been in the water that day.