INT. STARBUCKS - DAY CHARACTERS: CATELYN, SAM, STEVEN
I don't know. Sixth Sense was of
course awesome. Samuel L. Jackson
made Unbreakable work. But his new
stuff is terrible.
Yeah the Happening was probably the
worse thing ever.
You just didn't get it. It was an
ecology thing. And what about Mark
Wahlberg's character. He was
Not really. He was just such a bad
actor, and the plot just didn't
None of Shymalan's plots make
You're just an idiot. Lady in the
Water was genius.
It was alright. But the guy with
the arm was stupid.
You actually saw that movie?
I LOVE M. Night Shymalan. So screw
Meh. Needs more Samuel L. Jackson.
He's not even a good actor.
Yeah you just don't get it.
Probably because you're gay.
What does that even...yeah that's
Samuel L. Jackson is just too manly
and you can't grasp his genius.
Shymalan is genius too.
His new movies are all bad.
Your taste in movies is terrible
Yeah right. You probably just watch
Pretty Woman and Casablanca.
That's a stereotype of women.
Yeah but gay men probably watch
that stuff too.
I think her logic is solid here.
Those are the only movies you like.
Well you're female, so that means
that's the only movies you like
Stop being so gay.
Yeah only gay people hate Shymalan.
Only people with no taste who love
gimmick endings like Shymalan.
Oh like gay people?
Yeah, because you're totally a gay
man. I said it.
That's not...even...anything. How
is it a burn to call a girl a gay
man? Is it the penis?
I don't like where this is going.
I do bitch.
I don't like you.
I don't like people that don't like
Shymalan. I'm going to make you
watch the Happening as soon as we
get back. I have it on blue ray.
You're not the boss of me.
Yeah a gay guy would say that.
None of these things apply to being
gay at all. Unless you are using
"gay" as a blanket term for "bad",
you know, like what our culture
does now? You know, it's super
offensive and everything
Gay people ruining the institution
of marriage is offensive to me.
I...no. (pause) I was going to make
a joke about someone's mom but it
just didn't work.
Your mom didn't...you're gay.
How ironic that you would say that?
Because you're gay.
Okay stop. Do you seriously have no
other gay friends? How is this
still funny to you?
No we legitimately hate you.
So how weird is it that I always
introduce you as my gay friend?
You're the gay guy. My homosexual
Yeah, it's like being gay is your
defining characteristic. How does
that even work? It's like, "hey
this is my Dad, Martin, and he is
attracted to women." That is just
the worst characteristic to define
someone's complete being.
Well I can't help it. People just
think that being gay defines your
Well for you it does. But most gay
people have legitimate
personalities, and it's just so
weird that homosexuality is their
M. Night Shymalan is gay.
I thought that wasn't funny
Well you over-did it, so it's funny
again. Just not if you say it.
That doesn't work. That's not fair.
You get to make the rules because
you're gay? I should be gay.
You wouldn't like it. You'd have to
date men and be feminine and stuff.
She could never bear that. She only
has the hots for Indian film
I told you, he's gay. You don't
have a chance.
So what would it take to become a
Well first, you have to go shopping
a lot and buy nice clothes. Then
you have to find a nice guy to
date. Then you have to read
Okay this isn't funny anymore.
So Brad's too cool to hang out with
He's visiting his friend Jay. Plus
he's too non-gay to go to
You're saying that both of you are
also gay. I hope you know that.
Do you think Brad is super non-gay
because he says "faggot" all the
Yeah, he'd be the worst gay guy
Does he know that's offensive?
Oh crap, please don't tell him
that. He'll start saying it all the
He already says it all the time.
He'd say it more.
If Brad was gay, I wouldn't like
him at all.
Because he would call himself a
faggot? Because that would be
Well he's just...I don't know if I
like him that much. I trust your
judgment Catelyn, I just...
What? You don't like his humor?
He's kind of an ass. I mean, not
like Sam. He just doesn't get along
with people. He doesn't seem to
like me and I don't know why. I
mean, assuming he's not actually a
Ha you said ass.
He doesn't hate you, he just
doesn't connect well with some
people. You have to really get him.
You have to be a huge asshole.
What do you mean "connect with
him?" He just doesn't seem to like
anyone. Anyone but Catelyn, really.
He likes me because I'm a huge
I just feel, I don't know. I just
really like being around him. I
have to work hard, I guess.
Stop saying things that make me
think of you and Brad having sex.
I mean (looks around to see if
anyone is listening) I have to work
really hard to be myself, or true
to myself I guess. Like, whenever
I'm going to make a joke, I have to
really think about it. He only
thinks it's funny when it's really
funny. And he like, I don't know,
challenges my secrets and stuff. I
can't hide anything, and all of the
stuff that I would be embarrassed
of he wants to know about. He
always knows what I really like,
and when I pretend to like
something. I always have to try
really really hard around him,
because just sliding by doesn't
You like working hard all the time?
I guess. It's like I'm Rocky Balboa
and he's the creepy guy yelling in
my ear, and I have to run up the
steps and not be able to speak
English because I'm Sylvester Stallone,
but it's all worth it. He makes me
make myself happy, rather than
That was the stupidest
Wait are you talking about Mickey?
Or the black guy?
Did you hear anything I just said?
Yeah sorry. I kind of know what
you're saying. Look, I never said
that you shouldn't date Brad. I
just said I didn't like to hang
around him. But whatever. Maybe
I'll learn to like him.
Maybe now you'll imagine him as the
old creepy guy from Rocky and then
he'll be super cool.
That guy wasn't really that cool.
He can be Mr. T then.
Gay guys don't think Mr. T is cool.
Thought you should know that.
You're just being soo
stereotypically gay. Go watch
Casablanca or something, if you
can't respect Mr. T.
He's not even funny. His hair is
stupid. I don't see the appeal.
Well maybe Brad should be the
Russian guy from Rocky IV?
No he's way too cool for Brad.
Maybe Brad could be Rocky.
Oh god please don't tell him that.
I already know that I would kill
myself after he yelled Adrian about
fifty times. I don't want my name
to be Adrian.
You should be the Russian then, you
could kick his ass.
I want to be the patriotic black
guy from the first one.
Is it normal that I haven't seen
all of the Rocky movies?
Yes you're a freak. Yeah Apollo
Creed. I want to be that guy.
Then I want to be the robot. Man,
which movie was the robot on?
INT. BRAD'S ROOM - DAY CHARACTERS: BRAD, CATELYN
Catelyn is playing Zelda, sitting on the floor. Brad is
sitting on the couch above her on his laptop, and he is
mostly watching her play.
Your Nintendo is shitty. I think it
died since the last time you played
You played this the other day.
Yeah but it wasn't shitty then.
Maybe it's because you weren't in a
hard part before, and you're just
bad at this game.
Maybe I was like in the zone
Friday. Hey, what pills do you
When I met you, you said that you
had depression or something and
that you take pills.
Yeah, I was really bad depressed in
high school. I don't know why
really. A doctor even diagnosed me
with clinical depression. You
probably think I'm an emo weirdo or
Shut up. You don't seem depressed
at all, around me at least. You
don't feel depressed, do you?
I don't think so. I was
just...weird...in high school. I
was self-destructive in all of my
relationships and I hated everyone.
But like...yeah. Is it okay if we
Of course! Of course. I don't want
to make you uncomfortable dude.
Maybe you can tell me about it
later. Let's just talk about
something else...Are you still
going with me to that concert?
I guess dude. They'd better be
They aren't metal. They're
alternative. You wouldn't
understand. Plus it's just some
guys that graduated with me, and
they're all potheads anyway.
You sound awful.
You're a pothead.
You're a pot. Like a teapot.
Well you're Bill O'Reilly.
You're mean. I hate you.
INT. STARBUCKS - DAY CHARACTERS: CATELYN, SAM, STEVEN