EightMature

          INT. STARBUCKS - DAY CHARACTERS: CATELYN, SAM, STEVEN

                              CATELYN
                    I don't know. Sixth Sense was of
                    course awesome. Samuel L. Jackson
                    made Unbreakable work. But his new
                    stuff is terrible.

                              STEVEN
                    Yeah the Happening was probably the
                    worse thing ever.

                              SAM
                    You just didn't get it. It was an
                    ecology thing. And what about Mark
                    Wahlberg's character. He was
                    interesting.

                              CATELYN
                    Not really. He was just such a bad
                    actor, and the plot just didn't
                    make sense.

                              STEVEN
                    None of Shymalan's plots make
                    sense.

                              SAM
                    You're just an idiot. Lady in the
                    Water was genius.

                              CATELYN
                    It was alright. But the guy with
                    the arm was stupid.

                              STEVEN
                    You actually saw that movie?

                              SAM
                    I LOVE M. Night Shymalan. So screw
                    you.

                              CATELYN
                    Meh. Needs more Samuel L. Jackson.

                              STEVEN
                    He's not even a good actor.

                              SAM
                    Yeah you just don't get it.

                              CATELYN
                    Probably because you're gay.

                              STEVEN
                    What does that even...yeah that's
                    it.

                              SAM
                    Samuel L. Jackson is just too manly
                    and you can't grasp his genius.
                    Shymalan is genius too.

                              CATELYN
                    His new movies are all bad.

                              STEVEN
                    Your taste in movies is terrible
                    Sam.

                              SAM
                    Yeah right. You probably just watch
                    Pretty Woman and Casablanca.

                              STEVEN
                    That's a stereotype of women.

                              SAM
                    Yeah but gay men probably watch
                    that stuff too.

                              CATELYN
                    I think her logic is solid here.
                    Those are the only movies you like.

                              STEVEN
                    Well you're female, so that means
                    that's the only movies you like
                    too.

                              CATELYN
                    Stop being so gay.

                              SAM
                    Yeah only gay people hate Shymalan.

                              STEVEN
                    Only people with no taste who love
                    gimmick endings like Shymalan.

                              SAM
                    Oh like gay people?

                              STEVEN
                    Yeah, because you're totally a gay
                    man. I said it.

                              CATELYN
                    That's not...even...anything. How
                    is it a burn to call a girl a gay
                    man? Is it the penis?

                              STEVEN
                    I don't like where this is going.

                              SAM
                    I do bitch.

                              STEVEN
                    I don't like you.

                              SAM
                    I don't like people that don't like
                    Shymalan. I'm going to make you
                    watch the Happening as soon as we
                    get back. I have it on blue ray.

                              STEVEN
                    You're not the boss of me.

                              CATELYN
                    Yeah a gay guy would say that.

                              STEVEN
                    None of these things apply to being
                    gay at all. Unless you are using
                    "gay" as a blanket term for "bad",
                    you know, like what our culture
                    does now? You know, it's super
                    offensive and everything

                              SAM
                    Gay people ruining the institution
                    of marriage is offensive to me.

                              CATELYN
                    I...no. (pause) I was going to make
                    a joke about someone's mom but it
                    just didn't work.

                              STEVEN
                    Your mom didn't...you're gay.

                              CATELYN
                    How ironic that you would say that?

                              STEVEN
                    Why?

                              CATELYN
                    Because you're gay.

                              STEVEN
                    Okay stop. Do you seriously have no
                    other gay friends? How is this
                    still funny to you?

                              SAM
                    No we legitimately hate you.

                              CATELYN
                    So how weird is it that I always
                    introduce you as my gay friend?
                    You're the gay guy. My homosexual
                    friend.

                              SAM
                    Yeah, it's like being gay is your
                    defining characteristic. How does
                    that even work? It's like, "hey
                    this is my Dad, Martin, and he is
                    attracted to women." That is just
                    the worst characteristic to define
                    someone's complete being.

                              STEVEN
                    Well I can't help it. People just
                    think that being gay defines your
                    character.

                              SAM
                    Well for you it does. But most gay
                    people have legitimate
                    personalities, and it's just so
                    weird that homosexuality is their
                    defining characteristic.

                              STEVEN
                    M. Night Shymalan is gay.

                              SAM
                    I thought that wasn't funny
                    anymore?

                              STEVEN
                    Well you over-did it, so it's funny
                    again. Just not if you say it.

                              CATELYN
                    That doesn't work. That's not fair.

                              SAM
                    You get to make the rules because
                    you're gay? I should be gay.

                              STEVEN
                    You wouldn't like it. You'd have to
                    date men and be feminine and stuff.

                              SAM
                    Oh god.

                              CATELYN
                    She could never bear that. She only
                    has the hots for Indian film
                    directors.

                              STEVEN
                    I told you, he's gay. You don't
                    have a chance.

                              SAM
                    So what would it take to become a
                    gay man?

                              STEVEN
                    Well first, you have to go shopping
                    a lot and buy nice clothes. Then
                    you have to find a nice guy to
                    date. Then you have to read
                    Twilight-

                              CATELYN
                    Okay this isn't funny anymore.
                         (Sam laughs)
                         (long pause)

                              SAM
                    So Brad's too cool to hang out with
                    us?

                              CATELYN
                    He's visiting his friend Jay. Plus
                    he's too non-gay to go to
                    Starbucks.

                              STEVEN
                    You're saying that both of you are
                    also gay. I hope you know that.

                              SAM
                    Do you think Brad is super non-gay
                    because he says "faggot" all the
                    time?

                              CATELYN
                    Yeah, he'd be the worst gay guy
                    ever.

                              STEVEN
                    Does he know that's offensive?

                              CATELYN
                    Oh crap, please don't tell him
                    that. He'll start saying it all the
                    time.

                              SAM
                    He already says it all the time.

                              CATELYN
                    He'd say it more.

                              STEVEN
                    If Brad was gay, I wouldn't like
                    him at all.

                              CATELYN
                    Because he would call himself a
                    faggot? Because that would be
                    weird.

                              STEVEN
                    Well he's just...I don't know if I
                    like him that much. I trust your
                    judgment Catelyn, I just...

                              CATELYN
                    What? You don't like his humor?

                              STEVEN
                    He's kind of an ass. I mean, not
                    like Sam. He just doesn't get along
                    with people. He doesn't seem to
                    like me and I don't know why. I
                    mean, assuming he's not actually a
                    homophobe.

                              SAM
                    Ha you said ass.

                              CATELYN
                    He doesn't hate you, he just
                    doesn't connect well with some
                    people. You have to really get him.

                              SAM
                    You have to be a huge asshole.

                              STEVEN
                    What do you mean "connect with
                    him?" He just doesn't seem to like
                    anyone. Anyone but Catelyn, really.

                              SAM
                    He likes me because I'm a huge
                    asshole.

                              CATELYN
                    I just feel, I don't know. I just
                    really like being around him. I
                    have to work hard, I guess.

                              SAM
                    Stop saying things that make me
                    think of you and Brad having sex.

                              CATELYN
                    I mean (looks around to see if
                    anyone is listening) I have to work
                    really hard to be myself, or true
                    to myself I guess. Like, whenever
                    I'm going to make a joke, I have to
                    really think about it. He only
                    thinks it's funny when it's really
                    funny. And he like, I don't know,
                    challenges my secrets and stuff. I
                    can't hide anything, and all of the
                    stuff that I would be embarrassed
                    of he wants to know about. He
                    always knows what I really like,
                    and when I pretend to like
                    something. I always have to try
                    really really hard around him,
                    because just sliding by doesn't
                    work.

                              STEVEN
                    You like working hard all the time?

                              CATELYN
                    I guess. It's like I'm Rocky Balboa
                    and he's the creepy guy yelling in
                    my ear, and I have to run up the
                    steps and not be able to speak
                    English because I'm Sylvester Stallone,
                    but it's all worth it. He makes me
                    make myself happy, rather than
                    being lazy.

                              SAM
                    That was the stupidest
                    comparison...

                              STEVEN
                    Wait are you talking about Mickey?
                    Or the black guy?

                              CATELYN
                    Did you hear anything I just said?

                              STEVEN
                    Yeah sorry. I kind of know what
                    you're saying. Look, I never said
                    that you shouldn't date Brad. I
                    just said I didn't like to hang
                    around him. But whatever. Maybe
                    I'll learn to like him.

                              SAM
                    Maybe now you'll imagine him as the
                    old creepy guy from Rocky and then
                    he'll be super cool.

                              STEVEN
                    That guy wasn't really that cool.

                              CATELYN
                    He can be Mr. T then.

                              STEVEN
                    Gay guys don't think Mr. T is cool.
                    Thought you should know that.

                              SAM
                    You're just being soo
                    stereotypically gay. Go watch
                    Casablanca or something, if you
                    can't respect Mr. T.

                              STEVEN
                    He's not even funny. His hair is
                    stupid. I don't see the appeal.

                              CATELYN
                    Well maybe Brad should be the
                    Russian guy from Rocky IV?

                              SAM
                    No he's way too cool for Brad.
                    Maybe Brad could be Rocky.

                              CATELYN
                    Oh god please don't tell him that.
                    I already know that I would kill
                    myself after he yelled Adrian about
                    fifty times. I don't want my name
                    to be Adrian.

                              SAM
                    You should be the Russian then, you
                    could kick his ass.

                              CATELYN
                    I want to be the patriotic black
                    guy from the first one.

                              SAM
                    Apollo Creed?

                              STEVEN
                    Is it normal that I haven't seen
                    all of the Rocky movies?

                              CATELYN
                    Yes you're a freak. Yeah Apollo
                    Creed. I want to be that guy.

                              SAM
                    Then I want to be the robot. Man,
                    which movie was the robot on?

          INT. BRAD'S ROOM - DAY CHARACTERS: BRAD, CATELYN

          Catelyn is playing Zelda, sitting on the floor. Brad is
          sitting on the couch above her on his laptop, and he is
          mostly watching her play.

                              CATELYN
                    Your Nintendo is shitty. I think it
                    died since the last time you played
                    it.

                              BRAD
                    You played this the other day.

                              CATELYN
                    Yeah but it wasn't shitty then.

                              BRAD
                    Maybe it's because you weren't in a
                    hard part before, and you're just
                    bad at this game.

                              CATELYN
                    Maybe I was like in the zone
                    Friday. Hey, what pills do you
                    take?

                              BRAD
                    What?

                              CATELYN
                    When I met you, you said that you
                    had depression or something and
                    that you take pills.

                              BRAD
                    Yeah, I was really bad depressed in
                    high school. I don't know why
                    really. A doctor even diagnosed me
                    with clinical depression. You
                    probably think I'm an emo weirdo or
                    something.

                              CATELYN
                    Shut up. You don't seem depressed
                    at all, around me at least. You
                    don't feel depressed, do you?

                              BRAD
                    I don't think so. I was
                    just...weird...in high school. I
                    was self-destructive in all of my
                    relationships and I hated everyone.
                    But like...yeah. Is it okay if we
                    don't talk-

                              CATELYN
                    Of course! Of course. I don't want
                    to make you uncomfortable dude.
                    Maybe you can tell me about it
                    later. Let's just talk about
                    something else...Are you still
                    going with me to that concert?

                              BRAD
                    I guess dude. They'd better be
                    metal.

                              CATELYN
                    They aren't metal. They're
                    alternative. You wouldn't
                    understand. Plus it's just some
                    guys that graduated with me, and
                    they're all potheads anyway.

                              BRAD
                    Sounds awful.

                              CATELYN
                    You sound awful.

                              BRAD
                    You're a pothead.

                              CATELYN
                    You're a pot. Like a teapot.

                              BRAD
                    Well you're Bill O'Reilly.

                              CATELYN
                    You're mean. I hate you.

The End

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