Inside, outMature

That moment where everything is right... but goes south fast

She never knew what was going on due to the fact she lived more on the inside than the out. It was less scary that way.  Ever since the guy came into her life she has been back at square one again, trying the fix the broken bits. Trying to stop the incredible urge to bleed her pain out. She tries constantly to go back inside where she can protect her heart, where she can imagine happiness that isn’t present on the outside. She knows one thing for sure she is never going to take that risk again. Its ugly out there. People just use people. Hurt them. Promise them things just to get what they want. But it leaves more scars. More damage which is hard to reverse.

You see this girl has always been terrified of the outside world. She has never been able to grasp the idea of anyone else’s feelings. Its just hard to imagine. Most probably because she cant grasp the meanings of her own emotions and is always in an internal battle. But, maybe she just cant feel. Or maybe she feels everything too much and its hard to identify just one emotion, because there’s a tangled mass of mess inside her.

But there was a moment where she did think she felt something… .a feeling of love perhaps. So much so that she divulged a part of herself that has never been seen before. She was freaking out. She couldn’t bring herself to verbalise it. So she wrote it down And it was surprisingly okay. It was out and she felt better. And he didn’t judge her because he understood. Which is more than she could have wished for really. For them to be so similar. To have the same insecurities, the same scars.

She thought she’d found the one. She was so happy. Happier than she’d ever experienced. And they shared a moment. It was indescribable. They where happy.

Happiness however ends. And he left her. He said only for a while. That if he was to come back it would be for her.

This satisfied her for a while. He would comeback. Because he’d felt it too, hadn’t he?  As the months went by they talked constantly…. Until they didn’t. A whole day of no communication had her questioning everything. Her insecurities back. Did she do something wrong?  She must of. She felt so alone. But the next day he apologises, he had had a bad day. The relief she felt. They start talking again. But it wasn’t the same. She feels something different that she couldn’t  identify. He wasn’t the same. But he was talking to her so she puts it down to paranoia.

More time passes, and she still feels it. They go days without speaking. Sometimes his fault, sometimes hers. As much as she hates not speaking to him she has to be strong. Because she cant be the only one in this… whatever it is. But it is incredibly hard when you feel so alone. You feel like crying for no reason. Because you’re already morning to impeding loss of the one person that understood you.  And the only way you can protect yourself is to retreat back inside the world you have created. The imagination is a wonderful place. She cant get as hurt there because the floor is made out of pillows. Purely designed so that she has a soft landing for whenever the outer world kicks her on her ass. But in the end she feels as alone on the inside as she does on the outside. Because no matter where she exists there’s a gap that only he can fill.  And even if he says he’s coming back. He’s not currently there to ease her pain. All hope is gone.  It may return one day but  can it ever be the same as it was before. Trust alters. It breaks and mends, breaks and mends. But it can never be the same as it once was. There will always be doubt in her mind. And its silly but she will always want him. Because she wants to feel as special as she felt in the moment she bared her soul, the moment he stayed. They will always understand each other in a way no one else can. They can make each other feel safe. So maybe all hope isn’t lost after all. Maybe its worth a second risk. Because together, they will always be them.

The End

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