Inside My Mind (Chapter 1)Mature

A girl who runs away, with a dark philosophy, and she tries to find her place in the "rotten world", with the help of another depressed man, Mason.

"This...city...this...world...this life...is...worthless.

why do they all assume the same thing?

This is why they don't like me.

This is why they don't even try to know me.

This is why I hate them...they hate me first.

Think I'm crazy?

You think I'm crazy?

Think I'm depressed?

You're half right. This is a sad life. Why should everyone ignore how rotten this world is?

I sit here, crying in my room. You think I'm faking?

Why would I fake this shit?

Why don't you suffer like me?

You don't see the pain? The hurt? The rape? The murder? The hatred this world contains?

Why are you so blind of what really happens?"

Christy got from the couch she had spread herself out on. She slugged her way to her dark room. It was not her bedrom...that would be the first place they would check. But her dark room was just a room with her drawing, free writing messages and you could call it poems but it's just messages Christy feels she should write down so if others read it they can relate to it, to see how her thought process functioned.

She leaned against the drawing desk, applying her body weight against her arms propping her up from falling. She took out some paper and began scribbling her thoughts.

"Why is this so hard?

I know nothing is suppose to be easy but why is everything so fucking difficult?

to the world I am nothing but nothing.

I remember how I got this way.

Stupid fucking bitch picked it over me.

Why the fuck do i have to fucking suffer?

Why am I the only one who does understand, the feel and actually cry over everything that happens?

I don't want to be alone anymore.

I just need to know that at least one other person feels the way I do.

Then maybe I'll start breaking my addictive habits.

I think ill pin this to the mirror."

Christy taped her reminder that read, "I'M NOTHING" in her scribbly handwriting.

"Why does no one notice my swollen eyes?

Nobody's listening.

My throat burns like it's living hell.

No one wants to hear me.

My gasps may be loud but yet to you they are unheard.

my heart if full of pain.

Nice to know you don't understand.

It gives me my own uniqueness I've been dying for.

I know what you're thinking.

Ha!

I'm not weak.

I'm very strong.

I love smiling when I see you die and you aren't allowed in heaven.

I know what you're thinking again.

My parents regret having me.

Living here in this warehouse has carried me on more than what they could have done.

They don't care...they don;t even give a damn shit about me. In fact they probably forgot already.

I'm not going to heaven.

I'll see them in hell.

When they see this beautiful daughter they made, I'll be the happy-go-lucky one to say 'You should have kept me!'

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

We'll all go to hell.

Think I choose to be this way?

Yeah right...people who think that made me this way.

I laugh at the reflection I see in the mirror and read the reminder.

I'm nothing?

Yes...yes I am nothing."

Christy threw herself  at her other mirror beside her and slammed her balled fist into the glass. Blood forked and trickled down to the floor, knuckles, and wrist. Christy still felt pain, but she ignored it. She still saw her reflection in the shattered mirror still attached to the stand. Her eyes were surrounded by the black circles and her eyes...her beautiful eyes had all the sorrow in the world in them. Her fist still against the stand of the shattered mirror was draining her of blood. It causes her to loos her tones and it paled her. She let her hand relax and let it fall to her side. Christy began to sob and she raised the back of her wrist to rub away her tears and blood from her nose. She had occasional nose bleeds. She was totally fine with it. It drained her of useless life.

"I look in the mirror and I see something that doesn't belong in this world.

I was once told i was too different to be human.

I felt like I was nothing.

I now know they were making me feel right in place with my insides.

There is not enough bloodshed on my arms or hand.

Where's the sharpest piece of glass?

Cringing didn't take away the stinging.

it hurts, piercing my skin and dragging the glass down my fore arm.

the blood tricking down my arm and into my palms and forking into my fingers felt warm.

Why do I torture myself?

Why can't I just fucking kill myself already?

Why can't I do it?!?!?!

Do I still want to live?

I don't know what I really want now.

I wonder if it's raining outside.

The gloomy, gray sky was drawing in.

I think I may go for a walk and wander."

Christy grabbed her jacket to hide her arms and basically herself from being noticable. She doesn't want to be bothered at all. She had nothing to worry about. No one would bother a teenage in a hood in the rain. She didn't bother washing her hands of the blood. She would just keep them stuffed in her pockets anyway.

Christy walked down the street onto the sidewalks of New York. The fall air was crisp and it bit at her nose as she walked even though her head was down. She tried not to touch people on the busy sidewalk. She didn't want to talk to anybody. Christy isn't antisocial...she just doesn't like to bother with anyone. Usually if someone does approach her she'll try her best to be herself and hopefully know the person but they usually thought she was homeless. She never liked to be dressed. Clothes identify a person; she doesn't know what to be identified as. She just wore jeans and bland white t-shirts with her black converseves and her big dark gray jacket. Christy doesn't like to be tasteful. She didn't have a thing for anything that was "in", "cool", or "popular". She wouldn't stoop that low with society.

Christy jumped aboard a subway train and she sat down feeling the metal shake against her skinny arms and legs. She kept her hood on but she observed the scene by slightly tilting her head so barely anyone would notice her.

"This train never stops.

The faded pain revealed metal and dim low lights shook and flickered with each rattle of the train.

The train, as I like to think of it, is a train of thought. It never stops.

The cold gloomy weather was making the train car an icebox.

having nothing really warm on I had no choice but to shiver.

These people...they are the crowd.

They are on their laptops, cellphones, their technology.

The train rattled my bones and swayed my body.

I was tired of sitting. I think I'll get off at the next stop.

The train hauled to a complete unsteady stop.

I got to my feet and exited out of the side doors with my head down and hood still up.

Just keep looking down and nobody will notice you.

Just keep looking down and nobody will notice you.

OW!

I fell to my back and a large pressure squished me on my torso.

What the hell?

After embracing the surprising pain I want to see who ran into me.

Fluttering my eyes open out of shock I find a man on top of me.

He looked...he was, the hottest man I've ever seen.

I couldn't hear any of the shit chatter people were murmmering anymore. I just heard my breath, my heart beating and his breath.

he looked surprised to see me too."

"Sorry miss." he apologized with a smile

"It's alright." Christy said.

"You sure? I wasn't looking where I was going." He admitted.

"No, you're fine I was just watching my feet, I wasn't attention either." I confessed.

"Yeah, I tend to do that too." The man smiled.

Silence, sweet silence. Christy didn't mind it, but she did think they should get up off the ground before people start worrying about them on the floor. But she wanted to stay in that position.

The man helped Christy to her feet and they brushed away the dirt on their pants and backs. Christy didn't notice her hood was knocked off. She was too distracted.

"Sorry again for bumping into you." The man apologized again. "I'm Mason." He held out his hand.

Christy noticed Mason was just was pale as her.

"She nodded, "I'm Christy." but she didn't shake his hand.

Taking his hand back he asked, "So, where you headed Christy?"

"Nowhere in particular...just wandering around." she admitted.

"Ah, I do the same thing. As a matter of fact I'm wondering too. Wanna wonder together?" he offered.

Christy was excited but she didn't want to let Mason in closer than what he has already seen.

Christy hasn't gotten far in a conversation like this with a complete stranger before. she didn't know what people skills she even had. She thought of a game.

"How 'bout we wonder off and if we find each other again then we'll wonder together." She suggested.

"Is that some way to say 'no' or 'get away creepo'?" Mason laughed. "If you didn't want to you could have said it straight out."

"No I really mean it. It's a game I like to play. It lets us know if fate is on our side." Christy hated what she just said. It's like she wanted to already date him. She did but she didn't want to seem too obvious. She blushed immediately after her sentence.

"Alright." Mason agreed. "I think I like that game. I'll see you when fate want me to see you again."

Christy was relieved he liked the idea. "Okay...maybe see you later." She teased in a playful sweet voice she didn't even know she had until now.

"Don't jinx it!" Mason yelled back to her as he wondered off and she wondered off too, smiling.

That was the first time Christy met such a fun person. It was also her last.

The End

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