I’m in love with my depression.Mature

I have a confession.
I'm in love with my depression.

I have a confession.

The thing I am most ashamed of is knowing that my boyfriend fingered my best friend right before we started dating and I couldn’t break up with him.

 What’s even sadder is that I’m madder at her than I am at him.

Probably because he was the one that came up to me and told me.

but that was after a month of being together. And he doesn’t consider it cheating because we ‘weren’t even dating yet’ when everyone already considered us a couple.

 When I had already considered us a couple.

He said it was because he was high. My best friend said it was because they were board and he was horny.

Truthfully He made me feel awful about myself.

 In all honestly my best friend isn’t one of the pyrites girls at our school

 and the fact that I put myself on a strict diet and workout and have even had days where I eat nothing at all to be thin and nice looking, while she pigs out everyday and in all honesty is a bit overweight.

 And that he did that with her made me feel as though I wasn’t good enough that all I make myself suffer through was for nothing when I only did that so I could catch his attention.

And now I can’t even stand being in the same room with my old best friend because I feel this overwhelming depression.

 I can’t help it. I tried to forgiver and tried hanging out with her like we used to do. But every time I see her I want to kill myself over the fact that she was fingered by my boyfriend. and that she acts like nothing happened.

I expected something like this to happen with some slutty skank, not my best friend, one of the few people I actually trusted.

And the sad thing is that I have really bad trust issues way before this even happened.

But for some reason I can’t say that I want to break up with him.

Because truthfully I don’t want to break up with him.

For that one month I was the happiest I had been in such a long time.

 It felt like I was actually loved. Its nice to feel loved, to be needed, to get good morning texts and have him call me at random times just to say he loves me and misses me and that I’m too far away.

And all the things he told me. He wanted to take me away and travel. He wanted for us to never end. He said he would marry me because I was the only person he could ever love. He said he was miserable when I wasn’t there even though we would see each other the next day.

It’s sad. The way the same person that can make you the happiest you’ve ever been can also make you feel the worst.

But he still treats me so nice and always tells me that he loves me and gives me tons of gifts and he hasn’t even gotten close to second base with me.

And he cried

When he told me.

Saying things how he wished I would yell and hit him, when all I could do was cry. how he wished he never wanted for any of that to happen. How he wished he never hurt me. how he vowed he would do whatever it took to make me happy again.

And I want to be happy. I want to be loved by him. I want him to love me.

And so I’m still with him.

And it’s hard. And I’m so sad all the time. But he does make me happy and it’s weird the way he’s the only thing that makes me feel that happy,

and all I can say is that I truly love him.

he's the reason for my  depression and i love him.

The End

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