If I die tonight what will it mean?
Will the world mourn?
Will I be missed?
I doubt it.
What have I done with my life?
What impact have I had?
What have I done to be remembered?
If I die tonight I will be mourned by a few.
I won’t be remembered by the world.
I won’t be missed.
I don’t doubt this.
I have done nothing of note with my life.
I’ve had no noticeable impact on the world.
I won’t be remembered.
Nothing to remember.
I am 20 and have spent my time thus far in schools preparing for life,
But what if there is no life?
If I die tonight, won’t my life have been a waste?
Won’t I have been a waste?
I sit here waiting for life to start,
But what if my life is nearly over?
Each second I draw closer to the end.
How much longer do I have?
This keeps me up at night.
I stare at the ceiling, wondering, imagining.
I imagine making an impact on the world.
I imagine meaning something.
As I wonder and imagine it strikes me,
I want to make a difference by leading.
I want to lead by example.
I want to inspire.
I often wish that I was born in a simpler time.
A time where I could thrive.
A time without technology.
A time of fighting.
In all of my imaginings I lead.
I lead an army, a group of fighters.
I inspire hope and awe in people.
I inspire fear in people.
That last bit scares me.
Do I really want to make a difference that badly?
So badly that I would want to be feared?
Do I want to be hated in memory?
Then I consider ending it now.
Don’t leave them something to hate.
Don’t give them a chance to fear.
Help them forget me.
But the thought of ending in obscurity,
That is more terrifying than wanting to be feared.
I don’t want my end to be dull,
I want to go out in a blaze.
I just want to do something that matters.
I want to make a difference to this world.
I want to be remembered.
I want a legacy to leave behind.
The seconds slip away,
All I do is write this.
If I die tonight,
I deserve it.