So empty

       It seems like everything that makes me happy has vanished and I’m stopped by my own muscles which fail me to crawl.  I’m always in control of myself but now it seems like I’m the puppet.  Strings taut, I try to escape but I don’t even know friend from foe.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I’m feeling cold, apathetic, and restless.  I sit and stare at the TV, long after my vision blurs, and I realize it’s not even on.  I wonder if it’s a view inside of me and there just happens to be nothing there.  I’m in the midst of a dark shroud, with no way out.  

     “Look in a mirror and discover who you are.”  Why look in a mirror if I’m my own worst critic?  Digging deeper only uncovers long healed scars and reveals what I’ve worked so hard to bury.  I see the good in others but when I stand in the mirror I’m shocked when I see the real me that nobody knows about.  The me that slowly infects the rest of me that clings to life.  It suffocates and devours the host like a parasite.  Then in the end there is one side triumphant over the other.  Light versus dark, but here dark inevitably takes control.  The dark side is aching to be free but I try to suppress it by any means necessary.  All attempts fail.  Shadows envelope my mind and seduce me to its will.  The only way to destroy a parasite is through fierce cleansing which in turn mutilates the host beyond recognition.

     Well? You can be honest, I’m too numb to feel anymore.  Look again and tell me what you see!  In the window was me.  The massacres were all me.  Oh, God, Please!  Deliver the penalties for all of this from me.  I’m not finding justice, no warrant for mercy.  DON’T GIVE UP ON ME!  What happens when I turn and run again?  Can you forgive me? What will you do when I lie to your face!?  Can you forgive me then?  Oh my God, how can I be so defiant of someone who’s arms stretch to me!?  I’ll awake with a new purpose, to fight this body.  I promise.  No longer will I play the Dark Shepherd.  Oh forgiver! Let not my words be ripped from the throat of a horror.

     Were all the walls meant to fall?  When the mason neglects the mortar the bricks start to fall.  Then I’LL be the one crawling down this road oh so dark.  I never listen when you scream ”wash the blood from your hands, rip off your veils.”  Why do I keep what holds me!?  Why do I keep what pulls me down!?  “Lose the weight of defeat and begin this run.”

    Life’s not fair.  I had the potential to be just like everyone else, greater even.  Now I’m alone in the crowd, I have no one left to turn to.  The only thing to keep me company are the tears my eyes so willfully surrender.  One by one they escape and streak down my face and ever so slowly make their way to my chin and take a leap of faith to the floor not far below.  Even my own tears flee and leave me to suffer.  Will no one listen?

The End

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