At school the next day I couldn’t keep my mind off what had happened the night before. I felt amazed and rather shocked that I had survived my first encounter with an actual drug dealer. The adrenaline rush had been almost as good as the heroin and I looked forward to going back to that house again on Tuesday. Three days. Three days to imagine what my life would be like working for... actually, I had no idea who I would be working for. Just as I was beginning to enter my own little world, the one brought on by drugs and imagination, Helen nudged me and said “Look. I drew a picture of the breakfast monkey.”
The breakfast monkey.
I had just been drawn back from that misty and painless world for the fucking breakfast monkey.
“That’s great Helen.”
Helen gave me a confused look. Then realization dawned on her face.
“You’re high again.”
This was not a question, it was a statement. The Civics classroom was very clear and bright. The walls were a whitish color, made slightly more interesting due to the various maps and posters of past presidents on them. It was a small room, about twenty people would be able to fit there comfortably. Only a moment ago it had been starting to fade into a world of gray shapes and formless figures that both terrified and amazed me. A world of nothing that held everything that mattered to me. The only thing that mattered was the nothing.
There was no pain.
There was no fear.
Just a gray nothing that filled me up and embraced me. Sometimes I saw things, horrible, ugly things. But only if I took a higher amount. I was careful not to take that much. I didn’t want fear. That’s why I took the heroin in the first place, to escape the fear. It’s funny how everything in life has a perfect balance.
The bell rang.
The whole class practically ran for the door, with the exception of me of course. By this time, I was lucky to be able to stand. The room swirled fuzzily in front of me. I managed to take about 3 steps before the floor vanished from under my feet. Helen helped me to pick up my books and she guided me towards the door rather disapprovingly.
“It’s going to kill you. I hope you know that.”
“You’ve said this before.”
“Only because I don’t think you get that part of it.”
I shrugged at this and made to walk off on my own. I didn’t get very far before the floor lurched and I fell into the wall. The narrow gray hallway was beginning to fade in and out. That beautiful misty place was beginning to creep in on the hallways. The numbness was coming on again and I knew that the rest of the day would be a whirl of vague colors and muted sounds. I don’t remember anything past this and it wasn’t until I got home that afternoon that things started to make sense again.
Maybe, just maybe, Helen could have been right.