This is a poem but it is also a story, some of my life story. I wrote this out of my experience of actually doing what all is written here. I use to think that I was weak for how I handled things...but I think that they made me stronger, the pain, the constant crying, it made me stronger.
My emotions are a mess,
So many feelings twirling around from a broken heart.
Not knowing when it will end, or when it had a chance to start.
I remember, I was never a happy kid.
My life was not easy, it was rough and painful to.
There was never a clear sky in the shade of blue.
Happiness was gone and replaced with sorrow and shades of grey.
As a little girl who shed more tears than shared laughs.
Always the out cast,
Who never had comfort of others, not even one friend,
Just loneliness and darkness in the end.
As she set at the desk, trying to ignore the laughs.
Just wishing her torture would fade, so that she could rest.
I remember, crying a few times when the taunts became to much.
I remember, setting in that chair and closing my eyes,
As my heart ached with pain and tried to shelter my cries.
But its like a heart attack, your heart beats that fast,
It was the kind of pain that was meant to last.
I remember, as the teacher said nothing, did nothing.
I remember getting up and running out of that class room without a single look back.
Tears running down red cheeks as I wished for release.
From the cruelty of the people around me,
As they continued to forsaken the person I have become to be.
I remember running, finally coming to a stop and leaned up against the wall,
Slowly falling down to the floor, not caring that I heard someone call,
My name from afar.
I remember wrapping my arms around my knees and let out a sob,
My body shaken from the turmoil I endured,
As my chest tightened,
Because I was broken, hurt and frightened.
My eyes were closed, yet the tears rained down uncontrollably.
And I didn't even flinch,
When a hand found purchase on my shoulder.
It was gentle, and cautious, but the air around me continued to get colder.
And it hurt that much more,
All I wanted to do, was run in a dark room, shut and lock the door.
I remember, my name being spoken,
And I raised my head, eyes puffy and sore,
To look at a different teacher,
Who looked at me with concern in her gaze.
Knocking me slightly from my traumatized daze.
I remember, her asking me what's wrong,
I wanted to say, I tried. I tried to be strong.
But I shook my head and answered with silence.
She asked me, if I needed to see the counselor, that maybe it would help.
And I thought, why? The hurt, damage, was already dealt.
But I nodded, because I wanted to be somewhere else than back in the place I ran from minutes ago.
From the people I wished I did not know.
I remember, as she took my hand and led me down the hall.
Ready to catch me if I started to fall.
My knees were weak with exhaustion of emotional wear,
From the things I could no longer bare.
I remember, as she smiled down at me, saying everything will be okay.
That there will be better days.
And as we reached the office, I casted my eyes downward,
Afraid to continue forward.
I remember, she gently told me to go ahead,
And slowly I reached for the knob and turned,
With each breath, my chest ached, it burned.
I remember opening that door and walking in with careful steps.
Eyes still glassed over though the tears had subsided.
Because not once, had I had someone to confide in.
That would ask 'how are you,' or 'how have you been.'
I remember, as her head turned in my direction.
With a smile of her own, she said come and take a seat.
And I did so, because I felt nothing, my pride long been defeated,
And now I wish I would have retreated,
From the school when I first ran,
Out of that room and out into the hall.
Because I truly and honestly, did all I can,
To keep my composure.
But now all I wished for was even the slightest of closure.
I remember, that day, like it happened yesterday.
Because the ache is still there.
For it will never truly stray away.
Don't laugh at me' was my song,
When days and nights were endless, long.
When crying became harder to do when I done it all my life.
I remember, the struggle I faced for years,
Whether it was a love gone bad, or my most horrible and dark fears.
I remember, what I said that day in my thoughts,
As I wrote them down in a journal to express how I felt.
About the card, in life, I was dealt.
And how it wasn't fair that everyday was the same,
That all the insults and actions always came.
I remember, I said, "this was how far I can go because there's so much that I can take."
They tore at me in ways that crushed my heart and soul,
And, my life was over, done, because they stole,
My innocence and my happiness and didn't care.
So tell me, why is that fair.
When all I wanted was to live in silence and peace,
But their mockery never stopped or came to a cease.
Only continued till I finally broke,
At the words they spoke.
I remember, I wanted nothing more but to die,
Because even when I asked why?
The answer would never come and things would be as they are,
Because they took things a bit to far...
I remember crying till I fell asleep.
With scars that cut to deep.
But it was the only peace I received at night,
When I didn't have to try or fight,
To keep the memories away.
In all honesty, that's how I wished to stay.
When my mind was blank and my heartache paused, if for the moment.
Because I no longer felt pain.
It was the only time I was sane.
A peaceful sleep.
In a moment I wanted to keep,
Where, the images, I could no longer see,
And, of them, I was finally free.