The short summary of my feelings now that you're gone.
You were the first person I ever met that was so beautiful, yet so ugly. You are poisonous, manipulative and hateful, but I never blamed you. You made me feel like I was part of something; that someone might actually want me around. I didn’t know why you stuck around for so long until you released your true personality to me, and I learnt who you were truly. You took me in and gained my love; I have never loved or cared for like I loved you.
You stole my mind and occupied it for many months until the effect of your hate started wearing me down. I became weak from your relentless hatred towards life and other people, and I then began to reflect your hate back at others. I was becoming you. When in reality, all I ever wanted to be was like you, happy. But you weren’t happy, you aren’t happy. You exist; getting your kicks from ‘knowing’ you are better than everyone else. You surround yourself with people that you believe are below you, like charity work, and that’s how you sleep at night.
‘After all we’ve been through’ you said, it’s the line you use every time something goes wrong. As if to say that I can’t possibly leave you. But I can, and I did. I left you and now I’m finding myself at the bottom of the bottle, thinking and dreaming of you. Even though I know I wasn’t happy, I fool myself to believe I was. Because now you’re gone it’s so easy to lose touch with reality, I can fool myself into thinking we’re still together.
That’s what we were, together. I was in love with you and you with him. I still can’t work out who he was in love with. So forgive me, darling, as I am still a bit traumatized over the whole ordeal, but I did lose a partner, a best friend, and a lover. I’d do anything to go back and remain ignorant to the problems that existed, because I’d be with you.
I miss you, darling.