ContemplationsMature

Emotions... They could be so complicated sometimes. Longing in the park had turned to love which had been overridden by passion in the cave and everything had happened so fast that I had gotten left behind. I now truly remembered Peter's kiss: how wonderful it had felt, how I had just been so amazed and grateful that there was someone in the world who understood me and loved me. He had been so romantic, talking of a connection he felt with me, and brilliant, giving me exactly what I had wanted out of life. What I had wanted...

What did I want now? My thoughts now turned to Romulus' kiss. The irrestible darkness and power he had over me as he had bewitched my senses and revealed a part of me inside which had lain dormant over the years. Attractive and compelling, I wondered if I had been sorry for betraying Peter.

How quickly Peter had forgiven me! That was what I wanted in a guy: someone I could depend upon to always appreciate me. Romulus was unpredictable and dangerous - so unlike his safe brother. Peter I could get to know properly: he would open up to me and tell me everything. Romulus I wasn't so sure about. He had startled me before the kiss by showing some sort of kindness. Even if his intentions were bad, he could be ... almost nice.

But wasn't that an incredibly reckless thing to do? Choose a potentially nice person who otherwise embraced darkness? Especially since it was over a totally decent guy who would always treat me the right way.

I was confused. I felt like I didn't know who I was. Before today, I would have been horrified at the prospect of a relationship with a guy like Romulus. Now I was entertaining the idea, envisaging the experiences we would share. Share? I snorted. Romulus so did not fit the picture of someone who shared.

There was one thing I was absolutely positive about in this jumble of emotions and mess I had gotten myself into: I was not tying my soul to anyone. Not until I had sorted myself out. Even then, could I really expect Peter to become one with me? When I had betrayed him and enjoyed it? I doubted it.

I realised that any chance of a perfect relationship was lost. Any love I had for Peter would always be tainted by the knowledge that I had found his brother irresistible. And if I chose Romulus, the feelings would be tainted by the knowledge I had ungratefully disregarded the guy of my dreams and chosen someone who many would describe as perfectly undesirable (for good reason).

But ... were Peter and Romulus the only options? Back at home, there were friends and family - people who cared about me. Maybe I could learn from this that I should be grateful for what I had. Perhaps the tragic way things had turned out was a sign from Fate that love wasn't everything, that it could be too complex sometimes and that I should forget about it. Maybe I wasn't ready for any sort of relationship, despite the incredible impact the mere prospect of love had had on my life. Roger, my very best friend, would be there for me whenever I needed him. My parents would always love me and protect me. I had everything I needed in life.

Why did I want what I didn't need? Why was I always striving for something more? These happenings could easily be a journey of self-discovery. Perhaps I was going to find out what was truly important in life, what I should treasure and hold onto. That would help me with my decision.

Stick with Peter for now, I thought, because he'll keep you safe and give you space when you need it. But don't commit to anything. Sure you can kiss him and let him stop you feeling down but further bonding would not be wise.

The End

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