Something has been bothering me for a long time.
Yes, the eating disorder that preyed upon and robbed me of happiness for years bothered me... But what bothers me more is the questions that accompany it.
Yes, I was born with a mental tendency to have an eating disorder.
Yes, my brain focused and obsessed on a concept until it was my reality.
I have been told more times than I can count that the eating disorder is not my fault. That I am not to blame for this wicked disease.
So the question that pains me more than any others is this:
Is an eating disorder a sin?
Is failure to completely recover a sin?
I mean, let's face it. By failing to sustain my body with food that is never in short supply... I'm depriving God's temple of nourishment.
I'm prioritizing image over God's creation- me.
But than again, I wasn't even thinking about how God felt about this eating disorder.
I didn't even know I had the eating disorder... Though I can't remember ever behaving normally.
Are some of the actions I took in the process of the eating disorder development sinful?
But did I do them intentionally?
I don't know.
Did I know that my behavior would land me where it did?
But even when I landed there... I didn't stop to reconsider my path.
At some point, I knew what I was doing. And I kept doing it.
I have none.
Someday, I'll ask God what He thinks.