I found it. Me. All on my own. I knew I would. Well, I thought I would and when I think something I'm usually right on the money. I'd been looking for it for three months, ever since they said that they were looking for it, and just now, it was ME who found it. Me. All. On. My. Own. That's the best part - the fact that I didn't have, or need, any help whatsoever. Aren't I just the cleverest person in the entire Universe? Yep - you've got it. I am the greatest because I found it.
He didn't find it. He didn't even look very far so he didn't deserve to. She didn't find it and neither did she. I knew that she in particular didn't have a rat's bogey of a chance of finding it anyway. She's useless, really isn't she? A waste of space. Not like me - brilliant, clever, me. They didn't find it. They were the ones most likely to find it in the end because, lets face it guys, they had the resources. didn't they. Not like me. I had no resources except by own total brilliance and determination to be the one who found it. And I did. Did I mention that? Oh yeah, I did, I remember now.
I feel so pleased with myself that I want to tell anyone who'll listen, or even some who can't be bothered, how i found it.
I had an inkling where it might be, but I was wrong with that first guess. While I was there, looking for it, I saw her, rooting about in the undergrowth, no doubt looking for it as well. I was dead nonchalant, wasn't I? I pretended I was trying to find something else entirely. Then I said, ''I think it might be over there.'' She smiled and thanked me, stupid person that she is, and rushed over to start looking there, where I knew it couldn't possibly be. But that's how rubbish she is, and she believes everything anyone tells her. Then I carried on looking, with her - silly fool - out of the way, and probably out of the running, too. OK, so I didn't find it then, but having sent her, of all people, up a blind alley, I was feeling pretty good about my chances of finding it.
So I gave it a day or two to get my subconscious working on it - a sort of internal brainstorming, if you like. My subconscious is excellent, by the way, but then it would be, anyway. Then, with a few ideas in my head, I set off to look for it again. On the way, I heard that they were pulling out all the stops in their own search, and sparing no expense. Well, they can afford it, lets face it. They have more money than sense though. I'm the one with the sense, even if I don't have two old halfpennies to rub together. Who needs money when you have a brain like mine? My fabulous brain will take me places you'll never see, guys, I'm telling you.
A few weeks later, after I'd followed up a few of my hunches with no luck, I ran into him in a cafe, with his head in his hands. He told me he was thinking of giving up looking for it. I gave an inward cheer and told him that I'd heard a rumour that they'd stopped looking for it anyway, which made him look a bit more miserable and then relieved. So really, I cheered him up, didn't I? Then he proceeded to give me a list of the places he'd looked, which was nice of him. But it was also very foolish, because, although there weren't many, four of them were on my own list of remaining places so I mentally crossed them off. When I heard one of the other places, it was all I could do to stop myself laughing in his face. He wasted a whole two days getting to that one and even SHE wouldn't have been stupid enough to look there. Then he asked me where I'd looked, but I wasn't stupid enough to tell him that. Instead, I told him the places I hadn't looked yet, just in case he was thinking of carrying on. And I pulled a masterstroke. You'll love this. I gave him some helpful suggestions. I gave him a huge list of all the places I'd been already. His silly, trusting face lit up like the candles on a hundredth birthday cake and I could see it was ''game on'' again for him. Fool!
To cut to the chase, this morning, I found it. Do you know where it was? It was in the last place I looked, of course. But at least I found it. Me. All on my own. Did I mention that?