I Could Have Saved the Kingdom, But...

When I came to the fork in the road and one way was the straight and narrow path we are told to tread, the other a lovely lane that was wide and comfortable, no obstacles to be seen, I took the easy road.

That's right, I took the easy road. All this ridiculousness about hardship and difficulties being good for the soul is a lie. A big, fat lie I tell you!

Alright, so I was supposed to have a destiny. A bright and shining fate to save the world. Well, nobody asked me if I wanted it. I definitely did not want the suffering and pain, the deprivations and injuries that were sure to go with becoming a legend. Give me obscurity any day as long as it comes with likely lads, lots of ale, good food and a warm hearth.

So instead of setting out on a quest that would change history I got myself a job as a bar maid. I had the assets for it, if you get my meaning. I fill out my bodice in just the right way and my hips have a little extra sway. I've been told my smile makes men forget their wives, and a kiss has them dropping coins down my shirt.

It is a cozy life I lead, and if occasionally I feel a twinge of regret I can always work it off with some fun. Always more than enough willing to oblige me in that.

I am adept at swordplay, if you catch my meaning, and I'm not bad with a kitchen knife either. Of course I do know how to fight. Just because I look like there isn't a brain in my head doesn't make it so. I am plenty smart enough, thank you. So I can box a man's ears and I know exactly where to place my knee. I can, if pressed, even wield cold steel. I just prefer a different kind of blade.

And yes, being buxom does make it a little difficult for particular kinds of parry and thrust, but not the ones that I like best.

I like my ale free. By free, I mean paid for by others. I like my meals on the house, my bed warm, and my coffers full.

Sure, letting an evil wizard take over the kingdom might be seen by some - sanctimonious bastards who just want me to suffer, all of them - as a wee bit selfish, but I say they could just as easily do something about it as me. And why not them? Just because I was blessed as a baby with a prophecy of my future? Nope, I don't buy it.

The End

17 comments about this story Feed