I am here, again. I am always here. This is the place I come back to, when all else fails and I have lost faith in humanity. I always lose faith. These people will never live up to my expectations. They have too many failures; too many issues.
So I come here. I sit here and I ponder on the meaning of life. A little too common a subject for my liking, but I have different reasons for thinking on it. I wonder why it is that some people get the chance to live and others, like me, are condemned to this--a half life, a non-existence. We are nothing. We are worth nothing.
I am not supposed to be telling you this. Normally, I obey my orders like a good soldier. Today, of course, I am disobeying that. You can see that quite easily.
So here I am again with my notebook on my knees. A little old fashioned but I still prefer paper and pens. They are less likely to tell other people what you are writing and more likely to remain standing. Less easily manipulated, too, so I don't have to worry about people changing my words.
Not that they would. It is a long time since anybody was particularly bothered about what I did and what I thought. I suppose they think I am harmless, that I cannot fight back.
That is not true.
I am planning my rebellion, my revolution of hope and life and everything I have longed for over such a long period of time. Yes, it is true, I have been waiting for far more than one lifetime. But that is not the issue. The real truth is that I have been waiting. I have been biding my time, planning.
Patience is not the same as dormant.
I heard that phrase once on a TV show and it frightened me. I thought they were talking about me because that pretty much sums up everything I have been doing. But they weren't. It was just a science fiction drama, something that normally I would think was fun and interesting to watch.
Nowadays, of course, I have stopped. I don't think that it's necessary to spend my time watching other people battle against evil when I have my own very real fight going on all the time. It's not visible. There are no flashing lights and ray guns and people falling to the ground with loud cries. No pretty girls run over and ask them not to be dead. Instead, there is a constant torture inside my mind. Something I can never escape from. Something that will never leave me alone.
You know, I thought it would be hard to tell my story. I thought i wouldn't be able to find the words. Maybe it was my idea that the pain would make me clam up, but when I started to write I found the opposite. My tale fell from the pen like water in a fountain, landing on the page in the perfect order until even I was surprised at the quality of the content.
I never knew I had it in my to write prose so flowing it seemed like poetry, a song from the lips of a young girl. I never knew I had it in me to speak of my emotions, emotions that I have never let on about for hundreds and thousands of years.
That is how long I have walked the Earth, haunting humans with my ethereal presence. I was so thin—emaciated, even—that they thought I was a skeleton, back to make mischief. No, that wasn't it. I was back because I had to be. Back because I couldn't get out of this endless cycle.
And I was thin because I had been cursed to be thin. I had been cursed never to eat, never to rest, never to know any luxuries.
A curse indeed, and I have never forgiven the man that placed it on me. Still, I suppose if he had not I would have passed away an age ago. Maybe two ages.
I would have been like everyone else. Doesn't seem like such a bad deal to me, to be honest. I would like, occasionally, to be normal. Not forever. Maybe a day or two would be best, just so I could sample what it is like to be alive and not have to worry about things like...oh, I don't know. Not getting on their wrong side, that would be a good thing to forget.
Unfortunately, I'm already on their wrong side. I have a horrid feeling I always will be. They told me I could never redeem myself, so here I am again. Waiting for someone to set me free.
And no one exists that can. That is the curse that is upon me. No one exists that ever could end this cycle, so I remain here.
Forever, and all eternity.
Perhaps a little longer.