Want is such an insipid word. Want. What did I want? I wanted to slide my hands up his arms, cup his face and kiss him. No I wanted to make out. Tongue tag and I was it. But I was too chicken shit. I wasn't afraid to be rejected. I knew I would be welcomed, way too easily. I'm not someone who is vulnerable much. Sure it came easy when I was in love. I wasn't in love. It was too early to tell...
" Your staring into space again" Caleb warned
" Sorry, I was thinking about sex." I laughed
" That doesn't surprise me" Caleb laughed
He brought me even closer to him. Were his hands moving up my back?
" I had an english professor who always said if we were staring into space, we were obviously thinking about sex" I explained.
" How true was that statement this time?"
And then we had sex. Well first came the shaking. I finally undertstood that saying ' shaking like a leaf" . This was not going to be fucking. It was going to be too sweet, corny syrupy love making. A bonding. Could I be that open, in my soul?
" Don't be afraid be afraid" Caleb said
I almost pushed him away, me afraid, never.
" I'm not afraid" I lied
" One side effect of being enamoured is reading each other's mind. I know. It's okay. Just feel what you feel"
I let him kiss me.Softly. Chastely. He was asking for my permission. I was drunk and giddy. I took the reins. I jumped up in his arms. He lifted me up like I was weightless, Which I definitely wasn't. I had the body of someone who didn't care about their weight. The only thing that saved me from obesity was my sporatic eating. But my buddha belly became a forgotten thought. He was carrying me to his bedroom.
Then we had sex. I realized then he was right. This was irreversible. There was no going back. He was already in love and I was well on my way. We were " The enamoured". We could read each others minds and soon be able to comunicate that way. I hoped he wasn,t reading my mind right now. I wouldn't say I love you first.