A sort of autobiography
If you are to remember just one sentence of this entire story, please, remember this: I do not mean to say that you, yourself, are a disgusting person. "You is kind, you is smart, you is important." I truly believe in those words more than I've believed in anything in my entire life. And I'm not sure why I'm writing this now (or why I haven't written it yet) but I feel as if I need to expel the weight resting on my shoulders.
I promised myself something, about four years ago. And it is one of two promises I have ever made that I have kept, until now. Do not judge. Now, of course I cannot say that I literally do not judge people at all, because I do. I can't help it. But what I meant and could not explain in my fifteen year old vocabulary was that I will not listen to those judgements. I will not let them hinder my feelings towards someone, will not let them get in the way of my thoughts of people in general. Ironic, I know, because Humanity Disgusts Me. And if you've read this far, I'm going to ask you another favor. Remember another thing. Disgusting isn't all that humanity is.
Have you ever sat in history class, learning about great wars and the Holocaust and slavery and all of that horrible stuff and wonder how in the hell people could treat one another that way? If you haven't, then that's disgusting. If you have, then that's disgusting, too. Because you can't honestly say that you have never had an impression of someone, a first impression even, and decided, based on that one action or conversation that you didn't like them. You are a hypocrite. We all are. And that is disgusting.
What sickens me the most is probably that fact. That we're hypocrites. Because throughout time, we have judged people based on a single fact. Whether that be that you were Jewish, Native American, Japanese, or even gay; peer pressure, social media, and even our religion somehow provides the means for our minds to think it is ok to dislike a person based on one thing about them. I cannot say it enough. Dis-gus-ting. If someone were to point out one thing wrong with you, you would call them a gender-specific cuss word for rude. Yet it's perfectly ok to generalize a person based on something that you think is wrong with them.
Well I'm putting it all out there now. I'm bipolar, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and probably much more than that. I was diagnosed with anorexia, I physically abused my little sister from the time I was four or five. I've been bullied, I've been harassed, hell, I've gone through it all. I'm suicidal (and yes, I've been to the nuthouse for it), I was a cutter. I smoke, drank, did drugs and have bullied and harassed many others. I can't possibly list all the things I've done wrong in my life because there are so many things I can't even remember, but those are the things that I feel are important in this moment.
I am disgusting. Deal with it. Or don't, and judge me. But then you are no better than the people whom you despise.