Human Experimentation 101

Tim is a mild man with little passion and few ambitions. He wants only to live a safe and happy life. Happiness is one of his life pursuits. He wouldn't know what to do if he actually found it though. He'd probably have to reconsider his life. Make new goals. God forbid that ever happens.

Tim is currently sitting in a coffee shop, drinking a coffee of all things. No chocolate, no swirls, no lofty spirals of whipped cream, no sprinkles. Plain coffee with a few clouds of packaged cream. It's being stirred with a plastic stick, held between the absentminded fingers of a hand protruding from behind a newspaper. Tim is reading the newspaper. It's today's copy.

He is currently reading the sports page. Or rather, he is letting the words run through his head. He's not really paying any attention to the meaning of the words.

Now, Tim doesn't know it yet, but I have picked him for this experiment. I am about to add a little flavor to his day to see how he responds. Let the newspaper fill your vision. I am going to use an arc laser to ignite the paper. Just the corner. For now.

There. Tim has not yet noticed the flame. He is sniffing though. He will smell the smoke any moment now and respond. Be prepared to save this vision in a specific location. It's going to be worth replaying many times for analytic purposes. This will be an excellent example of some of the finer human characteristics.

There! Tim has shot to his feet and made matters worse by spilling his coffee. Why humans insist on making matters worse every time they are taken off guard is something I've often pondered. Now, he is crumpling the paper into a ball in an attempt to smother the fire. Not a bad decision for one not used to this type of circumstance. However, if you watch closely, I am about to send a high-intensity nanowave at the spilled coffee, causing it to melt through the table.

Notice that it has now been twelve seconds since the fire. He has still not uttered a sound for fear of someone's judgment. However, the man by the window is staring. Perhaps it would be good to add another person to the mix. Watch the man by the window. I am about to send a charged drift, which will blow the hat off his head, tossing it into the fire which will now begin to consume Tim's table.

There. Watch closely. Tim has finally made a sound. He has yelled for a fire extinguisher. The fire extinguisher is not going to respond. Ah ha. Two more seconds has passed and now  he decides to get the extinguisher himself. Good. Somehow his fingers are still working through the panic, and he's properly activated the extinguisher. The fire is out. Fabulous.

The other man has approached now and is demanding to have his hat back. Notice how he really doesn't find it odd that it blew off his head while indoors. He has turned his confusion into anger towards Tim, only because Tim appears to be involved in the fire, which ate the man's hat.

But I remember the structure and design of the hat so I will reconstruct it for him. There we are. His hat has been reconstructed directly onto his head. What a service. He is content. And so is Tim, who has just realized that his fabulously quick thinking has put the fire out, without any damage to the table. All he needs now is a new coffee. I'll let him figure that one out.

But let's get back to the class. A quick introduction is in order. Here it is:

For all of you who are new, I am Professor Quirks and this is Human Experimentation 101. Any questions?

The End

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