How to Disappear CompletelyMature

One word, one name.  That's all it takes.  I don't understand.  What's happening to me?  What's going on? 

There are factions, factions inside me.  They fight war upon endless war, but with no resolution.  Wars are continuously ending and starting, simultaneously creating and destroying.  The victor is the victim and the victim is the victor.  What is broken is fixed and what is fixed is broken.  This isn't happening...

There is no blood and gore in this war.  Just dust.  Gray, powdery, tasteless, formless, meaningless dust.  It's everywhere.  I don't understand... what the hell is happening to me? 

I'm not here.  My mind isn't here.  I can feel my soul, surrounded by falling ash.  Tons and tons of ash and dust.  It falls unendingly like an arctic hurricane laying siege to my soul.  The cold, unfeeling touch of ash is enough to make my soul curl and writhe in disgust.  I would rather be roasted alive than have to sit here in this ever-growing pile of ash.

This is a rebellion, some type of guerilla war.  Terrorism, martyrdom, retribution, what the hell could it be?!  Why does it persist?  I feel sick.  There's no word to describe how utterly devoid of life my world is.  Not a microorganism is to be found.  God, pierce me, burn me, do something!  Let me know that I'm still alive!  Let me know that I'm not a ghost...

Perhaps it's this one last question.  A question that begs to be answered.  Oh how hastily would  I oblige if only I knew the God damned answer.  I would give anything to feel again, to dissipate this dust, this ash, this emotional coma.

And the worst part?  No one can tell me the answer.  No one, not even God.  The only one who can give the answer is me.  Oh how quickly would I give it!  If I only had it...  Perhaps this is reason for the unending destruction and reconstruction which constantly plagues me. 

I have no impetus to be upset.  I want to be upset, I want to be hysterical.  God damnit I would cry my eyes out all night if I could feel  something.  Why won't this end?  Why won't it stop?

Oh, please...

Please just answer me one question... just this one...

Rose...

"Do I still love you?"

The End

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