You get a video at a garage sale called "How to cook chicken like a man". You go home, pop it in your crusty-old VHS tape player, put on your apron, and take out a chicken from the freezer.
The tape starts. The quality is bearable, but it's pretty awful. A man appears on the screen. It's a ripped bodybuilder in his mid 30s, with a shaved head. He's wearing nothing but chains and leather.
He has to be at least 170 pounds, and 6.5 feet tall.
He introduces himself:
"Yo! My name is Cory Smash, and I'm going to teach you how to cook a chicken, LIKE A MAN!!!"
Intimidated, you continue to watch.
"First, we'll get a chicken. Don't bother defrosting it, you're just gunna put it in the oven anyway, right? Ok, first, we need to tenderize the meat. Get out your mace, and start taking some whacks at it."
You then realize that you don't have a mace. You pause the tape, and decide what you are going to do.