So it all started when I lost my head phones and Ipod. This was on Monday. As soon as I got home, I noticed that I didn't have my headphones or Ipod with me and the first thing I thought was how upset Matt was going to be and how much I wished he's be somewhat okay with it. When I told him, it was around 5, so I just got back from school. At first, he was consoling and understanding and really, an awesome boyfriend. He made me feel like everything was going to be alright and that I shouldn't worry because they are tangible, things, material, something replaceable. He told me that things happen and it's not my fault but an accident and honestly, hearing that, I felt like he was so amazing for being so understanding.
Hours went by and he texted me again to wish me goodnight but this text was different from the usual, comfortable goodnights' I'd get every night.
He later texted "hopefully we'll find the headphones tmr"
To which I replied "i hope so too"
Then the texts proceeded.
m: "it really bother me thinking someone has scooped up that for free"
m: "i essentially bought some random person a headphone and ipod"
s: “i know me too : ( and i'm really hating myself for it"
s: "i'm gonna go early to all our classes to see if it's there"
m: "you gonna go early tmr"
m: "surprised you didn't go back tonight"
s: "i'm sorry"
m:"don't be sorry, i'm just thinking if it was the other way around
s: "what's that suppose to mean?"
m:"if i lost my ipod at the school i would go back and try to find it. i probably just use and need an ipod more than you"
m: "sorry, that's such an expensive thing to just lose"
m: "that's all"
m: "especially if it was headphones like that"
s: “i know, i feel really bad as is because i know how expensive they were. I don't know what to say”
m: “it just seems if you felt that bad you would have made more of an effort to find them. meh, watever doesn't matter i guess”
s: “it does matter”
m: “why didn't you go back?
s: “cause by the time i noticed they weren't at my house, after calling the bar, knowing how expensive and nice they were, i doubted that anyone would just leave them there after seeing them”
m: “the notion that one wouldn't go back to look for something of that value when the distance and inconvenience of going back is minimal doesn't make sense to me”
m: “what about looking the classrooms? or other places were people may have not bee or seen?”
s: “i just lost hope that they would be where i forgot them, and though to you it may not make senses to you... i don't know what to say”
s: “so that's what i'm going to do tmr”
s: “i know how expensive they were and i'm never goign to stop kicking myself for it. i don't know what answer you're looking for when you asked me that, and how deep down you're upset with me, you have every right to be. but i don't want you to think that i didn't go back because you think there weren't important to me. they are. i just had a feeling that someone by that time, would have gotten them by now and the only thing that came into mind was how disappointed/upset/baffled at me you'd be what i told you”
m:” i am a mixture of all three of those things”
s: “so i took cared of what was most important to me”
s: “okay : (.”
m: “what's that? breaking the news that you lost them to me was more important then trying to find them”
s: “no, knowing that despite me losing them, that you and i would still be okay”
So that was our conversation on Monday night, texting I mean. The next day, Tuesday, I went to school to our first class of the day, Criminal/Summary Convictions. Before I went there, I went to all the rooms I had been yesterday to check if my stuff was still there. No luck, of course and I still felt really upset about losing them. So I was quiet and allowed myself to be a little bit secluded and passive. While during class, he turns to me and says, "If you're just going to be quiet all day, I'll just go sit somewhere else." I looked at him and felt hurt that he would say that the he goes, “what?” and I said that if he wants to go sit somewhere else he could but I can't believe you would say that. In my mind I thought what kind of boyfriend says that to a girlfriend who's hurting and say that? I continued, “What do you want me to do? Pretend to be happy?”and he says, "No, but you can't just sit there and sulk all day. If they’re gone they’re gone." And again, I just felt confused as to why he wasn’t trying to make this any better and I just couldn't hold it. I started to tear up, and perfect timing too, the class was about to go on break just when the tears started to roll down behind my glasses. As some of my fellow classmates stood up to do what they needed on their break, I did best I could to cover my face with my arm and pretend to fix my hair or something. I didn't want anyone to notice that I was crying.
If you're wondering where matt is while this was happening, he got up to do something. So I sat there and I just couldn't help it, the tears just kept rolling down slowly. It was as if I couldn't contain them and after about 15 minutes, class started again and I did as best as I could to hold it together. I took off my glasses and wiped as much of the tears as I could. Afterwards, Matt came back and I asked him where he went. He said that he went to go look at the other place we were at yesterday and said that he wouldn't find them there. And that was the end of that discussion and the day went on.
When school was done, everything seemed better. He apologised for being mean and that he didn't intend it and that he couldn't help it because he really hated the thought that someone just got them for free. It really irked him but now that it didn't matter and that he was sorry about everything. Just as we separated to get on the bus to go home, I felt like it was good between us.
That day was the eve of his birthday.
I went home and persuaded my brother to go to the mall with me that evening so that I could get something for Matt on his birthday day (as I had already gotten him a Swedish massage, but that was scheduled for the 20th). At the mall, after a couple hours, I finally settled with getting him a loose leaf portable tumbler and loose leaf tea from Teavana and a card. When I got home, I was preparing Matt's gift and terribly wrapping it with tissue paper and stuffing it in the gift bag, all the while texting Matt on how he's doing. He's told me that he's having a few beers with his friend. I took the card out and read it as it was. Then as I proceeded to writing my own well wishes, he texted me and says "call me if you can find the time”
So I did.
Thought it would be a funny idea with him not knowing that I'm writing his card while he's talking to me. As I was talking to him, my mom interrupts to ask me if I could pay her phone bill online for her cause she doesn't know how to, so I did, and I asked Matt to hold on for a minute cause I have to help my mom. So he says okay and I did my stuff for my mom.
In the middle of my task, he hangs up. That surprised me a bit but didn't really bother me. As soon as I finished helping my mom, I thought I could pretend being mad at him and just say "just kidding, I don't care" just as he does when he jokingly gets me all flustered. But that didn't happen. As I was about to put on my act, he started to be snide with me. I asked him, in a pretend hurt voice, why why did you just hang up? and he said that he was tired of holding the phone to his ear and not talking to anyone so he hang up. I was like, okay fine, so if that were the case, why didn't you just say I'll call you back rather than just hang up? and that's when it happened, this weird thing where every time I try to remember, as hard as I could, I can't remember what we said to each other that started the fight. I could hear the slur of his speech plus he told me that he was drinking with his friend. While fighting on the phone amidst the flare of words back and forth, I decided to hang up on him. There was no reasoning with him. He texted me.
m:” just hang up eh? good job”
m: “your weak”
m: “thanks for hanging up classy”
s: “i deserve someone who won't talk down to me”
m: “okay then find that someone then”
s: “what you were doing was boarder line being abusive and i just can't believe you would treat me that way”
s: “i will cause you're definitely not him”
m: “i deserve someone who will listen, not only to the point when they get mad but look past that and actually listen. not someone who gets mad and cries cause they don't have things their way”
m: “it wasn't abusive at all, get your head out of your fucking ass”
m: “fuck you shareca, seriously”
m: “you stupid piece of shit, after all this that's what you say???”
m: “i'm done with you”
At that point, I felt so angry with him that I felt like my body was shaking.
s:” i feel like an idiot”
m: “you should”
s: “we're done now”
m: “you sure? after all this?”
m: “there's no fucking around this. you make your bed you best fucking sleep in it”
s: “why? do i really matter to you? does my feelings, however sensitive really matter?”
m: “cause i will not look back”
s: “that's fine. i'm use to you just leaving”
m: “they do and they always have but when you always rub it in my face that i don't it doesn't really matter. its easy to just turn around on me and say i'm the one leaving isn't it?”
m: “i'm so used to you leaving lol i am the one who has made consistent effort to appease you, not the other way around! remember that when making such statements”
m: “your shit is getting old”
s: “i've always done everything with you in mind. for you to say all that shit to me is unacceptable and i'm not taking it from you. i know when someone is being abusive and you ar ejust that. i'm not letting myself by the victim and just take your shit”
m:” be the victim! that's too funny”
s: “just leave me alone. cool off.”
m: “cool. next time i don't want to address something i'll just toss around allegations of abuse around”
We stopped texting each other. It was a couple hours after.
m: “are you still my gf?”
I didn't answer back. He called me and I left it ringing. I couldn’t sum up the strength to pick it up. He called again. I refused to pick it up. This went for about 2 more times until I decided to pick up. But then when I did pick up, he was gone. Probably for the best I thought.
He texts me: “guess you shouldn't come tmr”
s: “that's fine. i can't wish happy birthday to someone who treats me that way”
s: “so please, just leave me alone”
s: “enjoy your birthday with your family”
m: “whatever. i've been there for you no matter what cause i love you. just realizing now i got the shitty end of the deal”
m: “just baffles me you don't even give a shit”
s: “i've always been there for you so don't make it seem like i don't. it's hard for me to accept what you say and confuses me why you would say it. if anything, i got teh shitty end of it. and i do give a shit, but i'm not gonna sweep this under a rug. i don't like how you are today and it scares me”
After a few minutes he replies: “sorry”
m: “can you please call me”
I say: “okay, give me 10 minutes”
m: “fine its okay don't worry about it”
s: “just be patient please. i have to do something for my mom”
I wanted to seem like I was busy even though I was in my bed under the covers talking to someone that didn’t make me feel like shit because he was helping me with research for my assignment and I needed just 10 more minutes to finish getting the information to give to my group members. If I told Matt that that was what I was doing and that's why I needed the 10 minutes, he would have just been resistant toward any hope of making up. So that’s why I lied.
m: “dont worry, i just want to start new. don't give two shits about my family or anything else. it's about me and that's it. cause at the end of the day that is all who cares. can you please just leave it as so i can mitigate my damages lol we will be thanking eachother in the future”
s: “i guess so”
m: “i guess i'll just wait i suppose”
s: “for what?”
m: “thanks though shareca, you've helped me out more than i'd like to think. you have though, you've made me realize some important circumstances”
s: “such as?”
m: “can't answer that in text alone”
s: “do you want me to call?”
m: “if you want”
s: “i'm not gonna bother calling unless you want me to call you.”
s: “do you want me to call you?”
m: “call me if you feel like talking”
I was getting frustrated with his round-a-bout answer.
s: “just answer my question please. it's a yes or no answer”
I called him and we talked and again we started to bicker. I'm not sure how, I can't be as detailed as I liked to be but there was a lot of interruption on my part from him and on his part from me and I just didn't understand why he was being like this. After long minutes of an escalating raising of the voices and the swearing continuum he yells, "shut the fuck up you stupid cunt!”
You know, even though it's been three days since that happen, I can't shake that phrase out of my head. For two days, it has pretty much plagued me every time that phrase popped into my head when we were in class. And even still, I can't get that phrase out of my head.
After he said that, I paused. I slowly said, "I can't believe you said that" and I couldn't help it again, I started to tear up and just hanged up on him. He tried to call me again and the whole game of not picking up commenced, but this time he knew I was intentionally not picking it up. I let him call back for about 5 times. I picked up. He slowly says, "that was fucked up.. I'm sorry." I replied, "You totally just broke my heart." Then he says, "how was I breaking your heart? You were breaking mine." and I said in a meek voice, "i'll see you tmr.. it's getting late” and he says, "okay"
This is like the first time anything like this has ever happened and I think I'm still in a complete shock. A combination of denial of what just happened, ignorance to what did happen, and a hint of naivety towards what had happen was all I could really do to try to make things normal between us as I didn't want him to feel shitty about what happened between us on his birthday.
We agreed to meet at the country style at our school. I gave him his present and he seemed a bit embarrassed and shocked that I got him a present.
He opened the card first, the card I was writing while we were bickering with each other. He opened the gifts next, the gifts that I bought him before everything happened that night. I fell silent and tried to feign a smile as best I could. All I wanted was for him to just feel good on his birthday. He was grateful for the gifts and he seemed really tender at that moment, as if the weight of what just happened between us was still on his shoulders as well. I hated seeing the pain in his eye, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek, somehow as a way to say that we'll talk about it later and that all he needed to do that day was to enjoy his birthday.
Afterwards, as we were about to go to our first class, as we were walking down the hallways, I looked straight on and told him, "if you ever call me that word again, I'm letting you know now that this is your last chance."
And he said, "What word?"
And I replied, "You know what word."
And he looked embarrassed again.
While class was starting we turned to me and whispered that he knows what he said was wrong and that he was sorry. He apologized and tried to explain how he was feeling at the same time explaining that he knows that it's still no excuse for saying what he did.