"Come with me then." He whispered into my young naive ears, the ocean beckoning me towards its calm expansion. "You've been telling me you've wanted to be free for so long, free yourself."
I telt tension foaming and expanding within my throat. He pointed to the boat, rocking gently cradled within the waters that held my passions. My inner environmentalist flew to the boat and climbed under the stars, only distanced by sea winds and salty air. But my feet grew roots into the cement earth.My feet were controlled by my brain, demanding ultimate worship to grey studios struggles. My disapline required devotion to remain within the mold I grew up in.
If I sailed into the moonlight lit dolphin's territory, I would be leaving my chances to pass AP tests, and then how would I get into collage to find my major to earn a job to pay for the house to raise my children?
My heart nearly committed suicide. In this perscribed life there was never time for passions. My anchored eyes looked into his free ones.
"I can't." I spoke the dooming words.
My words hit a wall of denial. "You create your reality. Life is longer than high school."
I thought about taking reins from the autopilot solutions. If I freed myself from the guiding answer, I would be lost in open ocean. I would be living with my dreams, and obligations would slip away. I would become irresponsible and fall away from the life I was sopposed to lead.
All my struggles to pass those impossible boring classes would be worthless. I'd worked so hard to get no where. And I wanted to finish the stacks of nothing. I wanted to be handed the ticket that knighted me a victim to obedience, and praised for my ability to suck up to those in power. I wanted to travel on the paved road to more studies so I could protect my environmental passion from behind plastic desks and yellow lit rooms reflecting chemically polished floors. I would find my perfect plastic man, regardless of the sexual orientation I'd never allowed myself to explore, and I would become a mom before I'd had a chance to live all my dreams. Because that is what I've always been told I wanted.
And now I stood facing the ocean with my back to the grey office buildings that line the cement streets, and my feet wouldn't walk towards the place my heart belonged because my brain was slaughtering it.
"You can't silence your heart." He said, "You can ignore it, and push it away, but you can't make what you know deep down to disappear. If you attempt the fight for silence, your brain will grow numb to ignore something so strong."
"And then I will have become a life trapped inside a body, instead of controlling it."
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to compromise, and make my current life better, to take a vacation and then return to the world of grey, to tell myself I was being stupid to waste my life.
"I'm being picky, I can handle it. I just have to make my life a bit more fun." Even as I spoke the words, my heart sank.
"Picky is another word for self advocation, but the word picky kills the right to stand up for what you want. You are telling yourself you are not allowed to follow what you want. Do you want that?"
"No. I don't."
"What does your heart want?"
"To find myself under the open waters."
"And why can't you?"
"I have to-"
"No. You don't. 'Have to' is another way to say you don't want to do something but you are doing it to please an exterior force. 'Get to' is something you honestly look forward to."
"I was going to say I have to do the AP tests to get into a good collage, but no, I don't want to. It would please them, but not me."
"Why are you so worried about getting into a good collage?"
"I want to feel loved and challenged."
"That's an easy request. You can get that at nearly any collage, and besides, you would get the same fulfillment challenging yourself on the uncontrolled seas. And besides, you wouldn't have all the noisy controlling exterior opinions to muddle your heart."
"And I would be following my dream by going with you. If I want to be an environmentalist, I'd get more out of directly navigating currents and wild animals than sitting in a desk listening to things I wont ever need to know."
"It sounds like you know what you want."
"I've known all along, but I haven't had the courage to face it in fear I'll get my heart ripped out when my dreams collapse."
"You control your fate. Follow your dreams and make them happen. Don't blind yourself from them because they will always be there."
"Life is longer than high school." I smiled, taking his hand.
"What will you be proud to say you've done."
"This." I said, dropping his hand, fumbling to rip off my shirt, and then sprint down the pier launching myself into the cool grey seas, finally freed from my self created boundaries.
"I want to live my life."