How can I stare into those eyes and no fall in love

Chapter 1

I awake up and even now you are my first thought. So I struggle through my day and try to forget you. But in the infamous words of Inoran “it just won’t leave my mind”. So I awake up the next day, hoping to forget you. The first thoughts in my head are “why cant I forget her”. So I struggle through my day hoping to figure out” why I cannot forget you”. Something, somewhere, somehow deep inside of my  is broken.  I cannot seem to figure out what it is and no matter how hard I try I cannot fix it. Well, if you can’t figure out what it is you cannot fix it.  After struggling for so long, I think I should just cut it off. Find an easy route. What did I do wrong? I spend all my time wondering and I cannot seem to concentrate on anything else. You have crippled me.  I try to break free of this cage but I feel nothing. I do not have the desire to break free nor do I have the desire to stay where I am. I see no answers but to end it all, it’s the easiest choice and the only desirable choice. Is this how it will all end. A girl that I meant nothing to . A girl that wouldn’t care if it dropped dead. I doubt she even remembers my name or what I even looked like. I doubt she cares at all. I doubt she even feels hatred. I’m sure that I am completely gone from her mind. Yet she still lingers in mine.  Can anyone offer me a cure? What do I do? They say there is a first time  for everything. This was my first time that I ever had my heart broken into million pieces. So, I sit her with those fragments and I gently whisper to them “it will be ok”. But I KNOW I will not be ok. I am broken and broken forever.  To make this long story short. After months of pondering, I was wrong. It was my fault. I have only self to blame. So now, lets lay this out.  I have only myself to blame, she hates me, I feel like a there is huge void in life and whether I like it or not she has to fill that void. Is this the start of love story where I wait around for years to win her back? I sincerely hope not, because I can no longer deal with being crippled. I need to be back to be myself. I have no idea what I can do. Some tell me to fill the void others tell me to just simply forget and move on. I cannot fill the void without her. I want to move on but sadly I am quite crippled. I want to find something new but there is nothing, everything reminds me of her. I want to find someone new but sadly my heart holds back. I’m broken and I am broken forever. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be fixed. Accepting my state somehow makes me feel better but that the same time I feel disabled simply by accepting my state. I will be like this forever. I will go through my life and always think about her. In a few years I will be famous rock star but still think about her, I will be famous painter I will think about her, I will a miserable old man and I will still think of her I will be a happy average Joe with a wife and 3 kids and I will still think about her.  The whole idea of my state makes me sick.  Enough of this, I’m quite done for. I can no longer enjoy lives simple pleasures because even the smallest things bring me to tears. I have nothing.

The sadist part of this is that I wish I could apologize and make up for it.  However I know that will never happen. I no longer have pride I only have this void.  This is my new life.  My life will consist of a void, a painful memory and a restraint.  Thank you for making me into something so hideous.

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