It seems like the more silent I become, the louder my thoughts are.
My heart has gone numb, and I almost think it's better that way. If I didn't numb myself.....I'm almost afraid that I might snap.
I try to silence the thoughts that rush through my head every day. They even appear in my dreams, screaming at me who I am.
The ragged hole inside my sweater is almost big enough to fit my middle finger into. That's when I realize that if I make it much bigger people may be able to see.
So I try to stop. I try to stop touching the hole, but I've become aware of how often I do it. When I'm anxious. When I'm battling the thoughts that overwhelm me.
I have cut myself off from talking to my friends and remain cold and unretrievable. I can see that they are starting to get worried about me, about the way I cry maybe just a little too much during movies. Or perhaps the way I stare off into space, trying to escape my little world of pain.
But I won't open up. I'll ignore the thoughts and remain looking perfect, just like I'll ignore the hole in my sweater and it will remain perfect.