the break upMature

i love him, and everyone thinks i hate him. nobody knows and its killing me.

I was always a girl who read a book that was relevant to how I was feeling, when I was spending a lot of time with my friends I would read girly novels about best friends having brilliant times together, or when I was in love I’d read romances, but when the break up of my first true love came no book came close, sure there were plenty of books were the girl gets dumped and is sad for a while but my story was different, I dumped him- the boy I was completely In love with. I dumped him because I was terrified, what of you must wonder? Of being in love, doing something I’d regret but most of all him leaving me, him breaking my heart. I thought if I ended it before he could I would move on easy-peasy I would have all the power. That’s not what happened. It was the twenty-sixth of January 2012 when we broke up. I called him at 7:10pm set on dumping him and I did but by the end of the phone conversation I was crying, begging him to take me back. What he said will stay in my mind forever “I love you, but I don’t want you anymore” that hurt. Knowing that he loved me and I loved him yet we weren’t together was the absolute most painful feeling I’d ever felt. I saw him six days later on the morning of our first day of high school I was with my best friend Parris and he walked over to us and started a conversation, I couldn’t even look at him, he was trying so hard to talk to me and I know now if I had the guts to tell him I loved him right then he would of forgave me and we could of got back together. But I stayed silent. We talked once properly in that first week and he told me when the bell rang for afternoon class that he missed talking to me and still wanted me in his life. He still loved me but oh god at the time I just was trying so hard not to love him. So I avoided him and I think he took that as I sign that I hated him but that was the opposite, I was trying to hate him but my heart wouldn’t let me. He was my first real love. I don’t know if I ever want to be with anyone but him, admittedly I’ve dated other guys since we broke up, but that was just to try move on- didn’t work. I still love him and I feel as if I always will. I just hope one day, one day soon he’ll realise that and tell me he feels the same.

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