Hello World, My Name Is Isis - The BBM Convo From HellMature

Ok one thing about dating in your 20s…the men were in their prime so they were as fine as the finest wine you could find. I mean they were either slim or built.  They had all of their hair.  They were ambitious and were willing to take you out wherever you chose or wherever the hotspots were for the weekend. You had fun…oh and the sex was out of this world. You were both young and ready to get it on anywhere, anyhow the mood took you. Dating in your 20s was off the hook.

Well speed up a decade later. The men you date have turned into losers. I don’t know what happened! It’s like they all lost their mojo or something…I don’t know what happened but I know I don’t like it.

This new breed of men don’t want to date, all they wanna do is meet you on the streets, or online, invite you over their house, feed you dinner, pop a Blu Ray in the machine then try to sex you before the introduction credits role.

They no longer take you out and if they do the night ends with the obligatory screw. And most us over 30 gals try to appear liberated and go along with the sex when deep down inside we just want to be a committed relationship. We sit back and watch our married friends live out our dreams and secretly loathe them and love them at the same time…..sigh…the life of a single girl in her 30s.

But we can’t be mad at our married friends, they try to empathize with us, bless their hearts, but they just don’t understand. I mean I love/loathe my married friends but at the end of the day they need to learn to stay out of our love lives if they are going to be hooking us up on blind dates with ‘Mr. Feed Em and Eat Em’. SMDH!!

Of course one of my married friends tried to “help out” and that just went lovely.  I was stalked by an uneducated and untactful loser until I finally deleted him from my contact list.

My happily married best friend, HATE HER ASS, Julie sent me a BBM three weeks ago reading: “Isis, I have a guy I want you to meet. He is nice looking and I think you’ll like him. Send me a pic of you so I can send it to him.” Excitedly, I sent her a pic of myself which I thought highlighted me in my best light.

It was the famous facebook profile pic of me posing over bed of roses, wearing my favorite peach dress, highlighting my smooth caramel skin. I love that pic, and have gotten hundreds of compliments on it. “Yeah this one should work,” I excitingly said to myself hoping Julie gets it right. So Julie sent the pic then two minutes later returned a picture to me of a semi –chocolate man of average appearance.

“Meeaah…he’s ok,” I thought to myself. “Not bad looking at all” So we exchanged pins and so began my head scratching world wind.

Our BBM conversations:

12:30 pm Dude: Hello sexi ya alright?:
12:32 pm Isis: I’m good, how are you?
12:35 pm Dude: Um chillin wa ya up 2?
12:40 pm Isis: Nothing much I’m at work, you?
12:45 pm Dude: Ya how u no Jules? Shis kewl peples.
12:50 pm Isis: She’s my best friend, known her from childhood.
12:56 pm Dude: Serz um bin tryna get wif her 4 a min. ba wen she told me shis got a bull I bac off.
1:00 pm Dude: I aink tryna c**ck block so I told her hook me up wif 1 a her friends
1:02 pm Dude: but I was like ya serz ya more sexi den her! Ya fine girl
1:05 pm Dude: y I aink ever seen u nowhere? Not even ron Jules Ya from forien or sumthin?

Immediately I thought to myself: “I don’t know whether to be offended or flattered.”

1:20 pm Dude: ya dea?
1:25pm Isis: I’m here. Thank you, and yes I’m Bermudian, guess I just don’t get out much anymore.
1:30 pm Dude: um sayin ya sexy as hell, can I get 2 no u doe?
1:35 pm Isis: I guess tell me about yourself.
1:40 pm Isis: Hello?
1:40 pm Dude: um sayin ah ratha we meat in person den u ca c 4 yaself.
1:41 pm Dude: wer u work 2? I wan c u?

I was thinking to myself: “First off, WTH am I getting myself into?” And secondly: “Has this dude not yet mastered the English language?” Then I gave myself a stern pep talk: “Isis, stop being so picky that’s why you’re single!”

1:55 pm Isis: I work at Flashminds, I’m an administrative assistant, and you?
1:55 pm Dude: O tru…so you make a la papa inna?

“As an administrative assistant?? Is this Dude serious?”

1:56 pm Isis: Huh?
2:00 pm Dude: U must hav lot of monee.

“Ok Girl, you’re sinking to an all-time low.” Talk about lowering your standards!

2:05 pm Isis: what?
2:15 pm Dude: I wan c u?
2:20 pm Dude: Ya gotta big ass?

“Come on Julie are you serious???”

2:21 pm Isis: What?
2:25 pm Dude: Um just sayn a sexi lady lik u cant b single. I jus wanna no if ya got some1 holding u don.

“Ok I see what kind of day this is turning out to be,” I thought but hey, when you’re desperate for male attention, you tend to let a lot slide.

2:30 pm Isis: What? How old are you?
2:32 pm Dude: Um a man um old enuf um 32.
2:40 pm Isis: Where are you from?
2:40 pm Dude: Country

At this point, though hardly impressed, It has been over a year and a half since I had been out on a date so I was like what the hell, what’s the harm in a date…after all it’s free food.

2:50 pm Isis: Well, where do you want to meet up? Do you want to do dinner?
2:52 pm Dude: Um sayin were u stay?
2:52 pm Isis: Smith’s
2:53 pm Dude: U live by yaself
2:56 pm Isis: Yes
2:57 pm Dude: I wanna cum ova n cook for u and wach a movie n b romantic

Is this dude serious?

2:57 pm Isis: Romantic? I don’t even know you. Let’s just go out to dinner and see where things go from there.
3:00 pm Dude: Nah I don do dinners in restarents I don like a lotta crouds like dat.

Sure!!! Like I haven’t heard that dub before.

3:05 pm Dude: Hello
3:15 pm Isis: Well looks like we have a problem cause I don’t invite people I don’t know to my house.
3:15 pm Dude: Wa ya scurd I don bite well unless u want me too. N I guess u taste real good 2.

Ok I’m done!!

4:00 pm Dude: So wer 2 u stay?
5:30 pm Dude: Ya der?

“No dude, I’m not!! Bye!!!”

8:00 pm Dude: Hello?
11:30 pm Dude: O so ya not sayn nofn no more

“OMG he’s still trying?”

11:35 pm Dude: Ya der
11:36 pm Dude: I ca c ya redin my bb cuz it got a R bi it.
11:36 pm Dude: O u dink ya too good 4 a black brotha 2 approach u?

Um yeah, that’s it o_O!

11:45 pm Dude: Dats why ya ass is single
11:50 pm Dude: F**k u ya stuck up bitch hope ya p**sy dries up

WTF!!! I then went into my settings and deleted his pin.

Life in my 30s…sigh.

The End

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