Where's the Ending?

George rubbed his sore arms as he struggled to get up off the chair. Edward was in the other room, speaking in a low voice with Clair. George was exhausted and shaking with fear, but for some reason, he approached the doorway to the other room in silence, hoping to eavesdrop.

"I think mumble mumble mumble," said Edward.

"No, we should mumble mumble murmur," replied Clair.

"Hmm," said Edward.

George listened harder.

"But what if he mumblizes?" asked Edward.

"Then we'll just bumble the fumble mumble out of him!"

George gave up and returned to his chair, slightly more afraid than before.

The room he was in was a most peculiar study. The desk in the corner was being used mostly as a surface to catch loose papers and random books. But the drawers of the desk were certainly in use; they had locks on their handles.

George studied the room carefully for means of an escape. The door to the hall was firmly locked. And the window was no good either, due to the fact that it overlooked a forty foot drop to a damn pig sty. Why, anyone would put a forty foot drop to a pig sty on the other side of a perfectly good window is beyond me! Perhaps they were trying to be vainly clever! Perhaps they wanted to entertain some bloody readers!

Of course, aha, the bloody readers aren't with us anymore...so in no way was I referring to any of you. No, we lost the bloody one's long ago. Now we're left with the caring, compassionate one's who want only for the troubles to be resolved.

George suddenly realized that one of the locks on the desk was open. He blinked at it in sudden excitement, and then moved swiftly to investigate. He pulled the drawer open with shaking fingers and eagerly looked in.

Inside, was a gu--...A gu--...I said, a gu--....um...

Dammit! Why did you have to go ahead and turn all the guns into blooming chocolate bars! We would've been home free!

Well it's your fault that your George character isn't any more skilled! If you had created a hero, then we wouldn't have had to worry!...Oh and look at this! Your stupid character is eating the bloody chocolate bar...Look at him--stuffing his face. We're trying to get him to kill off the main characters, and instead, he's stealing candy behind their backs!

Well I had to chose someone realistic...

...You did? Are there rules about that?

Well certainly. The reader's not going to buy it if some hero comes out of nowhere just in time. Plot devices have to be subtle and realistic.

Subtle and realistic, eh? Do you think, that at a crisis like this, they're going to care that it might not be so realistic enough?

Well sure. This is the most important time. It's the climax. The climax is what brings all their expectations up and makes them excited for the great turning point. So we have to meet those expectations with something completely amazing, unexpected, and yet, at the same time, realistic.

And this is a rule?

Oh certainly.

And it can't be broken?

Not if we don't want the whole story to flop.

Let it flop. I don't care if my name is attached to it. I'm never doing this again. My story days are over. Let's imagine up a super hero to finish them all off.

Well it's not as simple as that.

Well why not?

Well we may have the power to create a superhero, but we've lost complete control over Edward. He's onto our tail. If we turned the chocolate bar back into a gun, he'd enter the room and only see a chocolate bar. Because he knows it's a chocolate bar. So it'll have no effect on him. Just like he knows that a superhero cannot pop into existence. His damn logic is keeping the story somewhat realistic. So, until we can get control over Edward, or trick him while following all the rules of the game, then we're not going to get anywhere.

Right. So you're saying we have to lower ourselves to the grit of the characters themselves in order to gain any control over our own story.

Well it's not just our story. It's Edward's life.

Oh, take pity on the poor imaginary character! Poor, poor deranged illusion imagined by some drunken author late one night after getting dumped by friends and family.

It doesn't matter who envisioned the character at the beginning, whether he existed or not before I started to describe him or whether he'd been thought about for hours by some author, it only matters that he is alive and thinking for himself right now...and is in the other room...planning his vengeance.

I see. So, if we can't kill him, then how do we end the story?

Well...there is one way.

Is there?

Yes. If we do it just right, it should work.



Well spit it out and we'll see if it's any good.

Okay, here's my thought.

Edward does not like us because we have some control over his life. He does not like us because we are spying on him, and attempting to make him the center of a story. But, we originally portrayed him as an arrogant, heartless man who was going to kill his father for money.


So what if we give him exactly what he wants.

What do you mean?

We make him  a hero. We give him money, a car, a more...animate girl with a bit of a...larger role. There's no way he's going to fight it. He'll just suspend his disbelief and take it all in with a grin! And then...once it's all settled. Well, there's only room for one more line after all that:

And they lived happily ever after.


Really? We can do that?

Um...no, I just said the ending.


I said the ending. And then you added another line. Now it's obviously not over.

But we have to do all that first.

Well I described it and I'm the narrator. So it should be over. But then you said something. So...you kind of ruined it.



Oh. Damn, eh?

Yes. Damn.

The End

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