My heart ached on a daily basis. I had always been somewhat crazy but I knew that I was becoming completely insane. The pain alone was driving me out of my mind. My life essence incessantly cried for its eternal heart. It knew he was out there and just wanted to touch his heart.
I tried to get rid of the feelings, I tried everything I could think of then I sought those who might know more than me. Nothing satisfied my heart. It wanted Ulric and nothing and no one else would do. I roamed through cities and felt nothing for the inhabitants I passed or anything that I see.
My love of life is long gone. I have lived to many years of solitude I allowed my hatred to fuel my life and turn me into a monster. While I wasn’t a camazotz per say, but close and getting closer every day. I certainly did just as much evil in my years on earth as any true camazotz. I even kidnapped my own eternal heart and risked his life to satisfy my own whimsical feelings. I am not worthy of his love and will never allow Ulric to feel my pain.
I will walk through life for as many years as I have left, paying penance for my sins against my eternal heart. Which could be a long time. As a chupacabra I age very very slowly. My lifespan will likely be hundreds of years old. I am nearly ninety years old and don’t look a day over twenty. My one and only chance at unconditional love will likely live even longer than me. That said however, I will make sure that our paths never cross and that he never suffers a single moment because of me. I make sure to keep very close tabs on him so that we are never accidentally in the same place. So for that reason alone I couldn’t imagine why my heart was suddenly humming with excitement.
It was like it knew something that I hadn’t yet figured out for myself. I looked around and didn't see any faces that stood out in the crowd. I inhaled deeply and was assaulted with the wonderful fragrance of honeysuckles that I knew belonged to my eternal heart. I pivoted my head around the restaurant and made eye contact. He was more handsome in person than photos.
His dark brown slightly wavy hair laid on top of his head haphazardly like he’d just gotten out of bed. He was dressed in hospital scrubs and still looked like a million dollars. Every woman and man for that matter in the restaurant stopped and gawked at his good looks. He had a very attractive female skinwalker attached to his side and I briefly found myself wondering if he was his girlfriend. Was it possible he was a heterosexual despite being my eternal heart?
Just thinking of him being with her instantly made me insane. I wanted to stand up and rip the bitches throat out, while screaming at the other women and man in the restaurant to stop looking at him. Ulric belongs to me, always has and always will. Then the rational side of my brain kicked in and I knew I had to get out of there before he realised who he was looking at. I was no longer safe to be around and I knew that my presence alone put my eternal heart in danger.
I knocked over the table with my hasty exit and several patrons in the restaurant tried to stop and ask me what was wrong. I bolted out of the restaurant while simultaneously grabbing at the vulture claw I kept around my neck. I ran full speed into the desert and shifted the moment I was out of site. As a vulture, I topped out around one hundred kilometres and hours and could fly as high as ten thousand feet in the air.
I flew until I was deep into the Nevada desert. Once I was exhausted, I descended onto the cold sand, shifted back into my human form and allowed my emotions free reign. I moved through them like most people move through grief. First I was in denial. I couldn’t understand how my eternal heart and I were in the same state nonetheless the same restaurant.
Then I moved on to anger. I was angry at Waylon and Pau for saving my life. I was angry that I had been such a bad person before Ulric’s birth and that I would never be able to be with my eternal heart. I was angry that I was probably clinically insane and that my very own mind was turning against me. I was no longer able to rationalise right from wrong. The only time I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I was doing the right thing was when I stayed away from Ulric. I knew I was giving him a chance at real happiness. That wasn’t going to be enough however to keep me from turning into a Camazotz.
That thought moved me on to grief, sadness and depression. This is the phase I have been stuck in for years. Waylon assures me if I move past this to acceptance that even my mind will begin to heal and I might escape turning into one of the things I hate the most. But how can I accept that I lived for dozens of years for the chance to be with my eternal heart, only to find him and lose him over the course of a few days.
It was my own fault and my own obsessive behaviour that caused me to lose him. I never allowed myself to heal mentally from the abuse I lived through at the hands of the Nazi’s and subsequently the skinwalkers. I’d gotten to the anger stage and stayed there for more than a fifty years. I’d taken my hurt and anger out on every skinwalker that crossed my path. I’d never given any of them a chance. I attacked first and never actually got around to the questions part. I’d always assumed they were all guilty. Guilty of what? Who knew but definitely guilty of something? Most of them were most likely innocent.
If I’d ever actually allowed myself to move through all the steps maybe I wouldn't have been such a bad person. Maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have killed so many innocent skinwalkers. Then, maybe just the tiniest littlest maybe… I would have been able to have Ulric’s heart and finally known what unconditional love felt like.