Simply put: I have no way of summarising this other than to depict it as a series of emotional and descriptive entries from the mind of a soul whose love is no longer with them...
"It was the sixteenth of April; spring was creeping shyly across the western waves and nothing enchanted me more than a warm, sunny day spread out rather lazily on the beach, my beach; our beach.
I would usually burn with anticipation at the thought of such a day: the soft strings of yellow sun string weaving lightly around me; the salty sea air tickling at my tongue, and (I'm going to say Alan just because I can't think of a name at the moment)Alan, just sitting and unknowingly pelting me with rays of his own. He never did have to do much to mesmerize me… I remember how he would run; in mid jump the mahogany curls and twists of his hair would hover just a few seconds in the air before his perfect frame reached the sand and rolled in fits of laughter. So clear and righteous it would not go amiss with that of a large, but of course friendly lion. An oh so beautiful lion at that. Yes. Beauty was one feature of Alan's characteristics that he held so very well, it was intimidating, scary almost. His skin boasted a rich sand colour itself, far smoother though.
Tanned and dark haired, who could ever wish for more? Certainly not me; though it was unbeknown to me of course that there was far more that came with the prize I used to claim as my own. Eyes, oh my stars his eyes. It seems shameful, insulting even, to name them so; those pearls of satin blue secrets that last time I beheld dazed up at me and shot bullets of regret and fear from their core. More terrifying than that however, was their lack of colour, that dazzling blue, gone, replaced by a vicious black. Deep and unending.
The memory of this occasion solidified itself as the tears that rolled quickly down my cheek and fell to the sand dissolving almost instantly. Leaving minute, dark patches of empathy.
I sat still and unblinking, soaking in the nothing that consumed me. It felt good, that is to say, it would if I could feel anything. It would appear to some as though I had entered a trance like state. I couldn't do anything about it, to cease it seemed impossible, or more so the idea of what I would face once I did. Even so, if I could nor would I want to. Nothing was exactly that: nothing; not peaceful, not happy, not healing, but a place within my mind where I could escape from the dangerous taunting emotions that threatened to succumb me.
I would not let it happen, I would not allow myself to wallow; to feel what it was I feared more than anything else. I will not say it aloud. Nor will I write it. Though I’m sure you can begin to guess. The sun shined hard, glorious rays of yellow that sprung from behind a wavering cloud, enfolding me in a blanket of heat. Sentiment ran through me like a venomous poison. Prodding at the tightly folded memories I would never let go of, but would never unfold. Every so often, sharp and painful images would escape from the prison of my mind and flash before my eyes, clear enough to half fool me into believing they were within my grasp. A smile, a kiss, a full moon in the peak of summer, and, if ever I’m in a particularly fragile mood, the pearls. Watching, loving, saving, or in cases such as these: destroying. It is at times like these that I feel although I could shut down completely as to prevent from collapsing with the ache throbbing through my veins like sharks."